15 Days - If Tomorrow Never Comes

 I guess if anyone knows country music you will know that I borrowed todays title from Mr. Garth Brooks.  I don't like to dwell on the negative nor keep beating a dead horse, but I will say that I have been giving things a lot of thought today since I had plenty of time to sit and think while Geoff was in surgery.  After yesterdays panic stricken appointment ended I was left in a frenzy of emotion.  I had a few conversations with some really good friends, cuddled with my husband and pulled myself together.  My one close friend pointed out that I have made it through far worse situations and have handled them with style.  My other dear friend brought to my attenion that it is only once.....once it is finished I don't have to do it again.  That coupled with the fact that doctors always point out the worse scenarios and listening to others tell horror stories is like the first time you have a baby and someone tells you how horrible labour and delivery can be.  Each and every one person has their own limit for pain toleration and what one person thinks was horrific the other may not even feel was any issue at all.  So now that I seem to have a calmer grip on reality I began to think about the words from the ever famous Garth Brooks song "If Tomorrow Never Comes, will she know how much I love her"  Let's just put aside the fact of surgery and the added risk to having existance cease.  Let's just look at every day life....life is too short to live with bitterness, harbouring harsh feelings or just hating someone.  Is there someone in your life or out of your life that comes to mind when you think of hurt feelings, harsh words or broken relationships.  Does your close family and friends know how much you love them?  Have you told your spouse, child, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend that you love them today or just how much they mean to you.  What if tomorrow never came for you, would they know that you loved them? I realize that this is pretty deep, but I am very serious.  Is there relationships or friendships that have been wounded that maybe should start to be healed.  I have thought about the people in my life that mean the most to me and I have made it my goal to let each and everyone of them know just what they mean to me.  Love is a powerful emotion and it can heal many many wounds so I have also set out to seek out certain people that are now out of my life and let them know that I have forgiven whatever it was that caused the rift and hope they can do the same.  I guess it is about freedom or liberation of sorts.  I am liberating myself to move on knowing that if my tomorrow never comes the important people around me will know that I love them.  I challenge everyone to liberate themselves as life is just too short to live without freedom of the spirit.
Steph

16 Days - *****PANIC*****

 Let me first start by saying that the Staff at the Guelph Hospital are fantastic!  They were the friendliest, kindiest, most helpful people I have ever met in the health care profession including the super nice anesthesiologist I saw today.  Now saying that I was ok when I went to the appointment.  The original doctor I was to meet with was not well so I met with another doctor, he was so nice.  He was also very thorough....in saying that he covered all the bases which I generally have knowledge of (not like it's the first surgery I ever had) but he decided to go with caution today and I now have to go into the hospital on April 14 (the day before the surgery) to have a PICC line inserted as the veins in my hands and arm are very difficult to find and already have scar tissure around with the tendency to collapse.  Here is what a PICC line is for those of you that do not know:A Peripherally Inserted Central Catheter, or "PICC line," is a thin, soft plastic tube — like an intravenous (IV) line — that allows you to receive medicines and fluids. A PICC line stays in place for as long as needed. 
A nurse places a PICC line into a large vein in your arm and guides the catheter up into the main vein near your heart where blood flows quickly. The nurse sutures (stitches) the PICC line in place and covers the site with a sterile bandage. An x-ray or ultrasound  is done to make sure that the catheter is in the right place. It takes 1 - 1 ½ hours to place the PICC line.  This is not always a very comfortable procedure so I am not looking forward to it.  Next he explained tracheal intubation, which I have never had a issue with in previous surgeries as I was always asleep for this procedure but apparently I will be awake for this part and they will freeze my throat so the tube slides in well as it should stop the gag reflex.  This is where I will now insert ****PANIC*****!!!!!!  I am not a very nervous person, I generally handle most bumps in the road well even the stupid PICC line but being awake for intubation.....I am NOT good with that!!!
Tracheal intubation, usually simply referred to as intubation, is the placement of a flexible plastic tube into the trachea (windpipe) to maintain an open airway or to serve as a conduit through which to administer certain drugs. It is frequently performed in critically injured, ill or anesthetized patients to facilitate ventilation of the lungs, including mechanical ventilation, and to prevent the possibility of asphyxiation or airway obstruction. The most widely used route is orotracheal, in which an endotracheal tube is passed through the mouth and vocal apparatus into the trachea. In a nasotracheal procedure, an endotracheal tube is passed through the nose and vocal apparatus into the trachea.  Now I realize that the very nice doctor was just doing his job telling me the best and worst scenarios just like when he said I should be out of surgery within 3 to 4 hours but if it goes to 5 hours or more they would probably decide to keep me uncontious in ICU until everything is stablized.  I totally get the go over everything but now I am just going insane thinking about the PICC line, intubation and coming out of the surgery at the time I should be.  I have such a terrible headache tonight just wanted to cry.  I have waited for so long and been so good about being positive and handling all the little things that have come my way but today I am not doing well!  I met with 2 different nurses after seeing the doctor and then with a very nice lab technician that told me about a lady that she knew that had gastric bypass surgery that did not follow the rules of what you can and can't eat afterwards and her stomach exploded and she suffered from severe infection to all her organs and then expired at a very young age.  Now I am sure she meant well but after everything today I was just devastated.  Thank God Geoff was with me because I think I would have turned and run.  Next I spoke to my parents now they are extremely supportive and were very reassurring.  My dad told me of having the intubation done while he was awake and he said I wouldn't feel it with the freezing but somehow I still didn't feel very good.  I am just going to close my eyes and pray real hard that this panic goes away and I will accept what is happening and be positive.  Seeking positive thoughts and prayers from all my friends.
Steph

17 Days - A thought, A dream, A reality

<span> A thought</span>.  Thinking about my past years of weight gain, loss and control and wonder where it all went wrong.  Do I even remember a time when I didn't struggle with weight issues?  What happened?  Where did I lose control? How did I gain this much weight?  Some of those questions I can answer some of them I can't.  Did I ever think that I would be here, at this stage needing help....no not just needing help.....needing extreme help.  I never thought I would required major surgery to get my weight under control, but here I am.
<span>A Dream</span>. Little girls grow up dreaming of weddings and princes!  My dream was to grow up and be thin.  Oh how I have dreamed of being thin.  Not saying that I am not happy with who I am now but I have always wanted to be within the "norm".  I have dreamt of the day that I could walk into any store and buy clothes from the rack.  I have dreamt of beaches and volleyball, swimming and sun where I was thin and no one stared and made comments like "beached whale" or "it's blocking the sun."  I have dreamt of the day I could walk without pain or at least with less pain.  My dreams whether awake or asleep has kept me thinking of a thin me for many many years.  Is it silly to dream?  Is it wrong to hope and pray that someday, somehow, someway I could be thin, be "normal" be accepted!  I have heard so many people say to have dreams like mine are just an attempt to hold on to a reality that will never be again. Well I am here to tell you they are WRONG!!

<span>A Reality</span>.  17 Days and reality begins.  My reality begins.  I am here I am living it and doing it.  I have committed to a gym been working out as much as I can ( todays ultrasound on my leg revealed the spider bite mass is down to 1 cm x 1.5 cm) and I am committed to this surgery.  Tomorrow is my pre-op appointment.  I will sit with my husband and wait to see the anesthesiologist.  We will go over the surgery plan and all the little details.  I have had difficulty with anesthesia in the past.  Simple day surgery is always dragged out because I cannot stop vomiting.  With this surgery we cannot allow for that because of where and how they have to close my old stomach and re-attach my new stomach to my esophogus. There is definite danger if I begin any vomiting so it will be extremely important to mix the right cocktail of medications to stop all nausea.  I also have to bring my CPAP maching....you know those noisy breathing machines that make sure you don't stop breathing during the night.  I didn't even know I have a problem breathing until I started all the pre-op testing for this surgery.  With the weight loss there will also be the loss of the machine as I will not need it after about 6 months of weight loss.  Reality is scary!  Reailit is exciting.  Reality will be weight loss and a new body, a much smaller body.  This is my reality.  I am a little frightened but my excitement and happiness far out way my anxieties.  Walt Disney said "if you dream it, You can do it."   I have dreamt it, I am doing it and I will succeed!
You're standing on the threshold of success. Don't look down, it'll make you dizzy.

- Timothy Q. Mouse in the Walt Disney movie Dumbo
Steph

18 Days - To My Best Friend!

 Today's blog is going to stray a bit from the general topic of gastric bypass because as I am preparing myself for surgery I believe I have neglected to help my best friend, my husband prepare for his surgery.  Now Geoff, is tall and slim so no need for gastric bypass for him but he has extreme difficulty with his hands.  He has had his right hand operated on for carpal tunnel and trigger finger about 4 years ago and now is having his left hand operated on for carpal tunnel. I have spent so much time focusing on how I feel about my surgery that I disregarded his feelings about his surgery on Thursday.  Geoff, is my husband but not only my husband he is my best friend.  Geoff listens to all my thoughts...whether I am mad and venting, or ponder a major decision or just gabbing.  He is my sounding board for my wild wacky and sometimes darn good ideas.  He has always supported any decision I have made and back me up through good and bad times and we have had some doozies.  Twice in our relationship I have watched my husband walk away from major accidents that he should never have made it through.  I thoughts that must have ran through his mind at that time would have been horrible because they thoughts that ran through my mind were absolutely horrifying.  I have nearly lost my best friend twice and it took weeks to stop having nightmares about the accidents.  I have never been that scared.  Today I realized that my husband is scared.  He doesn't particularily like hospitals let alone surgery, he is concerned about his surgery due to a past experience in his last surgery where his blood pressure and heart rate sky rocketed and caused some complications and I think his biggest fear is that his hand will not work properly.  Right now he cannot even hold a glass without his hand becoming numb and dropping it.  He is only allowed to use the kids plastic cups cause I am running out of glasses. The sad part of this is I have been so busy with my preparation I haven't stopped to listen to Geoff.  My deepest apologies to my best friend.  I am so sorry that I put my self and my feelings infront of you.  I understand your concerns and I will be with you the entire way.  When you close your eyes be at peace honey, know that you are in many peoples thoughts and prayers and all will be well.  Dr Matthew is a fabulous surgeon that specializes in hands.  Remember that you heal fast and seem to do so well in the recovery process.  Think positive Geoff.  Just think  15 days after your surgery I will join you in the recovery process and we can work at being healthy together or we can just mope together.  I will be there for you there is nothing to worry about.  Our dear friend "A" had a great status today that read "worrying is like a rocking chair, It gives you something to do but gets you no where." Van Wilder.  I love you!
Steph

19 Days - Patience is a virtue!

When you were kids do you remember the excitement on Christmas Eve, or Easter Sunday?  Have you ever wanted something to happen so bad you thought it was going to drive you crazy?  How about awaiting a long planned trip?  I know that my husband and I had waited almost 10 years for a vacation and when it was just days before I couldn't wait....I thought I was going to go crazy from the anticipation.  Last night I did not sleep well.  My mind and thoughts we all over the place.  Budha said "you are what you think" but if that is true I am in really big trouble.  My thoughts seem to skip from one random thing to the next but it always came back to the same thought....for some reason my thought was that my surgery was very far away and that I was going to be waiting a long time, not the short 19 days that are left.  I dreamt of the surgery, kind of an out of body kind of dream....looking down at the body that is laying on the table with the doctors and nurses working on it.  Was I ok down there? I know my heart was pounding because it was like I could hear it in my head, in my thoughts...bang, bang, bang.  Then I was dreaming of being on a beach, running and feeling good, in my new body.  Next I thought about being really huge like some of the people that have been on TV.  You know the ones that need a crane to help them out of their homes, special beds, help just moving.  I was like that in my dream and I kept thinking but I had surgery why am I like this and again my heart pounded .....bang, bang, bang.  I know that the time is getting short and I still don't think I am afraid, but somehow my hidden anxieties got the best of me and my sleep last night.  I know I am excited and the anticipation makes me feel almost like I just can't wait any longer.  I realize that everything takes time but I just want it so bad that I can't seem to wait.  Patience an ability or willingness to suppress restlessness or annoyance when confronted with delay or a quiet, steady perseverance; even-tempered care; diligence is something that I thought I had a pretty good handle on but apparently I don't have as good a handle on it as I thought.  Mohandas Ghandi said " If patience is worth anything, it must endure to the end of time. And a living faith will last in the midst of the blackest storm".  So maybe this is my blackest storm.  My faith will last in the midst of this storm and will carry me through...my patience will be worth much as it will endure to the end of time.  Now for me that time could mean 19 days, it could mean the recovery time after the surgery it could mean for the rest of my existence.  I am not sure why I didn't sleep well last night or why my dreams had the consistency of a martini shaker but what I know is this surgery, gastric bypass is exciting.  It is my opportunity to make a new start....be a health happy new me.  So if I am over excited and it keeps me thinking a little too much on occasion then so be it.  I consider this opportunity some what of a miracle....so being patient and waiting for miracles is what everyone needs to do.  Even though I am physically tired today I am still willing to be patient as patience is a virtue and its one I am willing to learn.
Steph

20 Days - Ol'friends give good advice

 Hi Friends.  I got a an from an old friend today.  It was so nice to hear from her but the greatest part was she shared her gastric bypass surgery experience.  She mentioned that it was difficult and that it is was very hard mentally. She mentioned some of the other things like having to take B12 and iron afterwards as sometimes your body doesn't absorb iron well after the surgery.  I know one of the things that I will take for the rest of my life is a prenatal vitamin but that was told to me right up front by the doctor performing the surgery.  I was really happy to hear how satisfied she was with the surgery and that she has lost 90lbs.  Isn't it fantastic....90lbs.  I was happy for the the friendly advice that the surgery is a very difficult not just physically but mentally.  I think preparation is the key!  I think with anything in life preparation is the way to tackle it.....know it, know about it, know the pro's, know the cons.  Know which way it could go, know about all the scenarios and build your artillery.  Knowledge is your weapon.  Once you know what you are up against .....well, knowing is half the battle right?  I think I am prepared for the physical changes that my body is about to take on, but am I ready for the mental changes.  After thinking about it for a bit I think I had my first little case of jitters.  What if I look in the mirror and still see an over weight me?  Will I know what to do with buying new clothes...seriously....I haven't bought clothes in a normal store in at least 15 years.  What if I just know how to buy big stuff.  Oh yes, I think there was a little case of nervousness that crept in there.  Now I am getting a grip!  I AM PREPARED! I AM PREPARED! I AM PREPARED!  I have some clothes in smaller sizes.  I will take someone with me shopping and I will recognize my new body and embrace it with a new respect!  I am ready for the changes and I believe I have prepared myself for the worse and for the best!  I am ready to handle whichever and whatever may come my way.  I have a strong support system and know that no matter what comes my way, whether I stumble and fall someone will pick me up and put me on the right track.  Going into gastric bypass surgery with good thoughts and clarity.  Keep me in your thoughts and prayers.
Steph

21 Days - What Goes Up Must Come Down!

Sir Issac Newton was talking about gravity when he said "What goes up must come down" and in I way so am I.  Planes go up, they come down, toilet seats go up they always come down well my weight goes up and it goes down but the difference is this time it will remain down.  I am determine actually lets just say stubborn enough to make this succeed.  It's been difficult and I am sure there is more difficult times to come but I am so pumped about this surgery and the weight loss and just feeling generally better health wise that I am confident I will make leaps and bounds with the whole process.  Now I am not saying things will be easy I am just saying that with the motivation and will power that is energizing me right now I believe I am going to soar.  I don't anticipate trouble or complications but if those things arise I am confident that the excellent team from the Bariatric Clinic will handle it.  Dr. Reed is performing my surgery and though he may not be the most fantastic "warm fuzzy" kind of guy he is the best and knows exactly what he is talking about.  Benjamin Franklin said "Do not anticipate trouble, or worry about what may never happen.  Keep in the sunlight" so like the words of the song "let the sunhine in, face life with a grin Smilers never lose and frowners never win."  There is so many positive things to look at: weight loss, energy, health benefits, financial benefits (buying normal sizes is way less money), general feeling of well being, confidence and emotional strength.  As the days seem to slide away and I realize that it is just 3 weeks until the surgery I become more and more excited.  What an opportunity!  What a chance!  I can restart my life....improve my health, look younger, feel better.  I think I will set another goal that I will participate in some kind of walkathon- or race within the next two years.  I am looking forward to my new body, my new life......It's a new me!!!! It'll be a smaller package but remember firecrackers and dynamite come in small package...lol....that is my warning to all!  I am so excited that I am explosive with energy.  Can't wait to be back at the gym....have to have one more ultrasound and then I can head back.  I am ready to run....well at least walk fast!  Have a great Friday night folks and I will talk to you all tomorrow.
Steph

22 Days - Sticks -n- stones and DJ Slams

Gonna put out some free adverstising for Dave Fm today....maybe.  I love to listen to Dave.  I listen to the Brian and O'Brien Show every morning at 5 am on the way to work.  They are hiliarious!  I just love them.  Then I listen to the Craig Fee show every afternoon.  Now for the most part I really enjoy the Craig Fee show, but I have been listening for months and at least twice a week I hear Craig take pot shots at over weight people.  Now I have never met Craig Fee, I have spoken with him once when I won the Tedious Tiresome at 3 pm.  He seemed like a pretty fun guy, he is always joking and laughing about one thing or the other.  To be fair, Craig is very forth coming with his opinions of many things, meat eaters, politics and politicians, hockey, music, singers and of course over weight individuals.  Yesterdays comment went something like this....he was asking a caller if they ever had a blind date and the caller said no.  Craig said he had the unfortunate experience of  having one at one point in his life. He said he was told she had a great personality and then found himself opposite to a woman that outweighed him by 200 lbs.  Laughing he said that he now relates great personality to morbid obesity.  Well, I will have you know that the doctor calls it Super Morbid Obesity so get it right!  My personality is only great sometimes!  I understand that Craig and his family are vegetarians.  That is fabulous that you made that choice for your family and your collective health.  I am impressed about how freely Craig speaks about his vegetarianism on air.  I think it is absolutely fabulous that we live in an era where we have such freedom of speech.  I have heard everything from flatulence (farting) to homosexuality discussed and why not!  Now Craig talks about his children on air and I too have children.  One of the things I have always tried to teach my children is it is wrong to make fun of or laugh at people that are different from us, whether that be race, religion, or appearance.  I am sure that Craig would not want someone to laugh at his children for being vegetarian...would he?  I would if someone fat sat on Craig when he was young to have such a bitter dislike for the over weight people.  I have struggle with my weight for years....as a young preteen right through to the present.  I have battled endlessly.  There has been weight loss and gain over and over and over.  I would like to just point out that just because someone is over weight doesn't mean they are lazy or a slob or any of those other preconceived ideas that people develope.  Now hearing the local DJ take pot shots on air doesn't make me sit and cry or anything ridiculous like that ....it just makes me question things like why are we promoting the bashing of anyone, large,small, blonde, newfie.  I get there are jokes and then there is the slams.  Does this family show think about how upset they make the children of overweight people.  Has Craig fee ever thought about the reasons people are overweight or why it is so difficult to lose weight for many people? Many reports talk about the rise in depression.  With depression you sometimes see weight gain.  Stress and health related issues cause weight gain.  The fast pace of society....on the go grab a burger, a coffee, etc.  Now no one is holding these people down and force feeding them but wouldn't be easier to offer some encouragement to overweight listeners.  What about todays economy.  My grocery bill doubled when I bought light, fat free, healthy choice ingredient and added more fruit and vegetables.  Not everyone can afford to eat "healthy"!  Green peppers today were 3.97 kg.  That is crazy!  When you are living on a budget and needing to feed a family do you buy all the diet appropriate foods or do you buy the food that will stretch out your meal plan a little longer.....trust me they are not the same. How about diet programs, Herbal Magic asked for 1500 dollars upfront then monthly product, Beverly Hills was 600 dollars upfront and then monthly fees and product, Dr. Bernstein was 580 dollars a month 10 years ago plus buying all the foods they recommend.  Weight Watcher's is probably the most reasonable but it is still a start up fee of 50 or 60 dollars, then they encourage the points calculator or the many different food products they sell plus the weekly fees.  I   am sure there are hundreds of other reasons for weight gain.  Let me clarify reasons not excuses.  Each individual makes their own choices about their heatlh and although it is sad to say how much the things around us affect that choice it is ultimately the individuals choice.  I just wanted to put it out there that before we jump to conclusions why someone is heavy and make comments or remarks let think would we want someone saying that about us, our children or grandchildren.  I have made a choice to have gastric bypass surgery and work at improving my health and eating habits as well as reducing my stress and eliminating other situations that might impair or impede my progress.  Not everyone is at that place in their life and I wouldn't want to discourage them by serving them up on a bash platter.  So my challenge to everyone is to say something encouraging in place of something discouraging and it will go alot further!
Steph

23 Days - The Growing Years

 From the day we are born growth is what is expected of us.  Physical growth, mental growth and emotional growth. Growth is something that everyone in our lives have and it is something they encourage from each and every person around them in many many different ways.  Our parents watch over our overall growth.  They care for us physically by feeding us, clothing us and housing us for the majority of our lives. They also watch out for our emotional growth and well being.  Teaching us manners, appropriate behaviours and how to express feelings.  Teachers play a big part in our growth mentally (knowledge wise) and emotionally.  We spend hours a day with teachers for at least 14 years of our lives which can shape our growth in many ways.
Do you remember being a child and wondering about what it would be like when you were 13 or 20? Did you ever think you were never going to get out of school? Did it surprise you when all of a sudden you were at your Prom or you just turned 21?  I just recently was in touch with an old friend.  We were very close when we were 16,17 and 18 but lives and situations moved us far apart and we lost contact.  Now our children are closing in on the same ages we were when we became friends.  Nineteen years has gone by in a blink of an eye.  Have we changed?  I am sure we have.  I would hope we have.  We have grown!  Those growing years have made such a difference in my life.  I may look a little different and act different from many years ago because I needed to have growth to proceed with my life.  For me proceeding with my life brought phyical growth, emotional growth and spiritual growth.  I have a personality that makes me push myself to progress.  I push myself to excel, learn more, understand more.  This has been a good quality and a bad quality at times.  That same emotion that pushes me to learn more pushes me to set goals and achieve goals.  I think having this surgery is another goal I have set.  Achieving that goal is quickly approaching but it cannot end there.  I must continue to strive for achievement.  Another goal must be set.....I don't believe in unrealistic goals so my first goal is 40 lbs.  This goal is just part of another stage of my growing years.  I am still growing...hopefully not physically....but emotionally and spirtually.  When growth stops things become stagnent.  We need growth to continue to succeed, to continue to encourage others to succeed.  Do you remember the first person you ever really loved as a teenager?  Did the rejection or parting feel like it was breaking your heart in two?  When you think about that person now how do you feel?  I feel priviledged to have known him, to have spent time with him and have grown with him during that stage of my growing years.  Now my point is when that heartbreak was happening it was terrible!  You thought you were never going to love anyone or anything again.  Now years later it can be a happy or even laughable memory.  I think that this surgery may be like that first love of your life.  You never wanted anything so bad, you were so excited and happy to be with them but when it ended it was so hard, maybe the most difficult thing in your life.  This surgery journey is fast coming to an end and it may just be the hardest thing I have ever done in my life but when it is said and done and time has past, the reflection of my growth through that stage of my growing years will be all that counts.   I will have succeeded in my goal and moved on to the next goal, the next stage of a whole new journey.  I am going to continue to blog so I hope you can all join me and see the growth that is happening in my life.  Thank you for reading and encouraging more growth in my life.

Steph

24 Days - My Gratitude List

I was sitting at my desk at work today and one of the role models in my life stopped by, telling my that she had some ideas for titles for my blog.  I was of course delighted that 1. she reads my blogs 2. She thought enough about me to know I would be completely open to her thoughts.  "My Gratitude List" was her second idea she gave me....and it is fabulous!!  I know that everyone reading this has had a bad day and when it's one of those days that is so bad and you wish it would just be over....STOP! That's right stop!Take a deep breathe and here's the big one...ready? I challenge you to be thankful for 5 things in your life.  Pull out the pen or pencil or do it up computer style....but write it down.  Write down 5 things you can be thankful for.
Ok, so here goes folks:
1. I am thankful for my children. Situations and circumstances in my life may have not always been perfect but I have two wonderful children, each with their own distinct personalities and opinions and though some days think the younger years were easier I would not trade them or the memories that they make for anything.
2. I am thankful for my husband. My husband, my best friend is a strong support in my life.  We have made it through some really dark days together.  When I am down he is there to lift me up, when he is down I in turn lift him up.  This is a marriage, this is a friendship.  It definitely has not been an easy road and I am sure there are lots more bumps and pot holes alone the way but together we keep each other going in the right direction.  Each of us gives 100%, each of us loves, trusts, and encourages the other.
3. I am thankful for my family.  Without my family behind me every step of the way throughout my life I would not be where I am today.  There has always been support in abundance from my parents.  Encouragement and positive enforcement....finish school, return to college, graduate with honours, find a new job, buy a house....they have been my greatest supporters throught my life.  Sometimes not agreeing with my decisions but supporting me with love and trust. My brother, his support as my brother and as a pastor is a strength that always makes me feel I am able to accomplish anything I set as a goal.  My extended family, my cousin and my sister -in- law are special supporters, kind words, encouraging spirits, understanding and caring are some of their many wonderful qualities that I know stand behind me. My mother - in - law, now I know people are groaning, but the truth is in past times we have not agreed on many things and were often at other ended of the spectrum.  We have an understanding, that to be extended family we must find a way to create a relationship that is supportive of one another.  Her support and understanding along with her love is felt and welcomed.
4. I am thankful for my doctor. Now I know this one might seem odd but my doctor is wonderful!  She is a bright, warm, caring and genuinely compassionate woman.  She is excellent at her job, knows her patients and how to deal with the many health issues that can come along.  Is open to listening to her patients and will find out information and take the extra minute to make sure the patient has said what they need to and feels understood.  She has an incredible attiutude and exudes positive energy.  Her receptionist,  the wonderful miss "B" we will call her is a breathe of fresh air when it comes to dealing with people in the health care system.  Miss "B" is polite, courteous, organized and efficient.  I am so thankful to have a doctor let alone have the most excellent one in Ontario!!! with the best staff!  Hats of to you wonderful ladies!
5. I am thankful for my faith.  I believe in God.  I am not saying you have to or that whatever your beliefs maybe are incorrect I am just saying I believe in God.  I believe that if it wasn't for God I would not have these things to be thankful for.  God has a plan for my life, in that plan he allowed my husband into my life, my children to be born, my brother and his family to move closer to our family, my cousin to live close to us, my fabulous doctor to be found.  I believe without my faith in God I would be a nervous wreck.  I have the faith to head strong into this surgery and come out of it on top and doing well! Faith is the confident belief or trust in the truth or trustworthiness of a person, concept or thing! I believe!
Wow, I have to tell you how good it feels to think about and write down the things you are thankful for!  By the time you complete your list of 5 things your bad day shouldn't be looking so bad anymore.  Remember friends
The only limits in our life are those we impose on ourselves.
- Bob Proctor

Steph

25 Days - Calling All Role Models

 What is a role model?  A role model according to en.wiktionary.org is a person who serves as an example, whose behavior is emulated by others.  Do you have a role model? Do you think you would make a good role model?  I have had a few role models in my life; my Dad.  One of the strongest, most stable men I know.  He is rock solid in his faith and remains calm in just about any situation.  Pastor Arnie Coones, a man that truely believed in what he taught.  His teaching about the occults and how the effects of sex, drugs and rock-n-roll impact the average teenager were built in faith, and taught with some of the most passionate emotions I have ever seen or felt.  My aunt, who was a part of my early life as a child.  She encouraged my love of books and reading, always had a thought that would teach you a fact or bring knowledge to you in a way you would understand.  Her life as a principal in the Toronto School Board always envoked the emotion even being so young that women could be anything they wanted.  She was a woman with education, class, and charm that I always considered a great role model.  There are definitely more people in my life that I could mention but I don't have enough time.  Do I think I can be a role model?  For sure.  I most certainly don't hold myself higher than anyone else but I believe that the people that know me or are following this blog can empathize, understand and gain knowledge that could help better themselves  in the future by walking through my journey with me.  A person that we look at that envokes or stirs an emotion within us that makes us want to be like them or act like them is a role model.  Now how we handle the knowledge or tips that our role model shares with us will determine our identity.  Www.dictionary.reference.com states identy as the state or fact of remaining the same one or ones, as under varying aspects or conditions.  The qualities that I have that benefit my life and would help benefit others I believe I have been derived from each of the people in my life that acted as my role models.  I was so encouraged to get a personal message from someone that has read my blog that said I had "given her lots to think about".  If I could give a gift to everyone then it would be that.....encourage thought, questions and a pursuit of knowledge that would best help you and your situation.  People have asked me what made me decide to write a blog.  At first I wanted to write a blog because I was upset about the negativity that was being thrown my way, then I thought it was a fantastic way to update everyone at the same time, and now I am delighted to say it's because I am ready to be a role model.  I can only hope that I could help but one person with their weight journey, but if I am able to help more then I would be so happy with my journey.  I have always said that the journey I am on is going to be difficult but well worth it.....and to know I am helping someone else with their journey, would make my journey that much more incredible.  Are there more role models out there?  Yes, be empowered...believe in yourself and believe in the people around you as they sometimes supply the best knowledge and training in our lives!


Steph

26 Days - Distraction brings Satisfaction!

According to Elton John, "Saturday Nights Alright For Fighting" or playing cards with good friends.  Unfortunately our dear friends live far enough away that it is sometimes not easy to see them as often as we would like, but when we do we enjoy their company to the fullest!  Euchre is how we started the evening and Hearts is how we ended the night.  The laughs and chatter in between are the substance that makes friendships so great!  The wonderful thing about having good friends is you can talk to them about anything: topics ranged fishing, music, 80's, kids, style, American Idol,summer vacation and of course.....passing gas!  Now the entire night our small, medium and large dogs proceeded to play, growl and for lack of a better word hump right next to us as we played cards .....so I guess that was the entertainment factor for the evening.  The topic of my surgery did come up but there was no negative thoughts produced.  Friends encourage and talk complete positive words into exsistence.  It is so refreshing to discuss an event, such as my surgery with people that may question things but in a very open and curious manner.  If they have opinions or thoughts they are said in such a way as not to be disturbing or upsetting but helpful and enlightening.  This is what friends do, they build up not tear down.  When a fear is discussed with a friend they emphathize with you but some how turn it around and show you the positive sides until that fear isn't so big or may not even be a fear anymore.  Our good friends, let's call them A & B are those kind of people!  Stand behind you, give you a helpful push, pull you up, help out kind of friends.  It's nice to know that when there is a situation, an event, good or bad that is a major life changing thing that your have those special kind of friends in your corner.  A friend according to thefreedictionary.com is 1. A person whom one knows, likes, and trusts.
2. A person whom one knows; an acquaintance.
3. A person with whom one is allied in a struggle or cause; a comrade.
4. One who supports, sympathizes with, or patronizes a group, cause, or movement

Now someone with good friends apposed to someone with acquaintances or no friends at all is much stronger in the sense that they know they have someone that they trust and who supports them in their cause like my journey through gastric bypass surgery and weight loss.  With the knowledge of friends and other supporters being behind one,  the journey that sometimes can seem endlessly long and impossible often becomes shorter and much more obtainable.  This I believe is due to what I call "positive distraction".  All those negative thoughts and fears that some people would like to push your way are stopped and pushed the other way by friends.  In essence, your friends run great interference for you.  Blocking and sometimes tackling the negativeness being tossed your way.  The true friends that stand with you often give you the pass at the right time that sends you hurtling for the end zone and making a fantastic touchdown ( this football analegy is for my friend "B")!  You see to win at football you have to have a few simple disciplines that are practiced every day......the same thing goes for "success is nothing more than a few simple disciplines that are practiced every day." Jim Rohn.  So when I win or achieve goals, it just isn't me that succeeds it is my whole team.  GO STEPH GO!

Steph

27 Days - The Gym Is Calling!

Here's the update....my sinus infection is totally gone and my spider bitten leg is getting much better!  I have another ultrasound to have my leg checked on March 29th just as a precaution.  The large lump has definitely shrunk to a small twoonie sized ball.  There is not the pain that was there previously which is fine by me!  Now the gym is calling.  Time to get back to the gym and my routine of 1 hour a day.  I do 20 minutes on the treadmill with a slight increase to speed and incline every other day.  Then I begin a  pattern of muscle building and strength exercises that I have learned.  Building muscle is the quickest way to lose weight.  Building muscle helps build strength.  Building strength by doing squats, leg press, barbell excercise will start the process nicely.  Make sure you have a personal trainer or someone who knows who to do the exercises properly show you how to do them as not to cause injury to yourself.  My trainer showed me some simple exercises that just entailed standing up and sitting down, then once I conquered that I did the same exercise holding a medicine ball out in front with my arms stretched out. Funny how simple it seemed but man, was it hard.  I do these exercises in sets of 3.  That is 15 times 3 sets.  By the time I get done the different exercises and the treadmill my hour is done and frankly so am I!  I sound like the little engine that could...I think I can, I think I can!  Gosh, well that is going through my mind I hope it doesn't look like I am talking to myself!  Oh well, crazy or not ....ready or not back to the gym I go.  Though it is definitely hard work I can assure you all that it has a good pay off.  I have already lost 14 lbs working out at the gym.  I by far am not a fan of the work out but being off the last two weeks I do miss it.  It is exhilirating and there is a definitely feeling of accomplishment.  Knowing that you are exercising to help yourself and how you feel physical is a great feeling so no matter how tired I am after the workout it is a great feeling from your inner being.  Today's blog is short and sweet.  Get out and do something for yourself even if it is a ten minute walk daily....start letting your inner being feel better and your physical being will feel fantastic!

Steph

28 Days - 13 Days Till My Last Meal!

 The countdown to the surgery day seems to be just flying but I had a total reality check today. In 13 days I will no longer be able to eat anything.  For two weeks previous to the surgery I must drink shakes that are purchased through the hospital ( these were stupidly expensive).  Now the receptionist at the bariatric clinic has already told me that the vanilla ones taste terrible, so I only took one box of those and 3 boxes of chocolate ( I am not a big chocolate fan though) but these are the only available choices.  This new realization came with a wave of panic.   I will not be eating anything but these shakes for two weeks straight....oh I can have broth, black tea or coffee which isn't helpful as I am not a coffee drink and have a tea only once in awhile and it is definitely not black. That was problem number one, problem number two is I hate shakes!!! I gag even trying to eat pudding or jello.  I have tried Slim Fast and other products over the years but never make it far as I can't get through a shake without bringing it back up! Now I am busy reasoning with myself, be positive maybe this will be different maybe the taste and texture will be fine this time as it is a different product, but my brain is telling my stomach you are in big big trouble!  My husband is having surgery on March 31st which is the last day I can eat anything.....that day will be a write off.  So I am making a plan to have my favourite meal on March 30th.....can't decide Red Lobster or Sushi.  The directions that must be followed from the clinic are fairly simple but strict.  Two full weeks of shakes previous to surgery.  After surgery for two weeks it is nothing but sips of water, jello, borth on teaspoons every 1/2 hour.  Funny huh, teaspoons.....your stomach right now holds up to 2 litres of food and fluid but after the surgery my new "pouch" or stomach will only hold 4 ounces ....1/2 a cup.  You cannot ever eat and drink at the same time.  You are to have water 1/2 hour before food or 1/2 hour after food.  Then after the 3 week recovery mark I can start to have skim or 1% milk (lol, haven't drank milk since I was about 8 years old), liquidy oatmeal and soup creamed soups again the amounts are not like any one else would eat....teaspoons at a time and after about 3 you are done!  No red meat for 6 to 8 months....maybe I should have steak for my last meal?  After the 4 week recovery mark then I can have little tiny tiny bits of chicken and fish and veggies....oh did I forget to mention that your new stomach doesn't have the digestive juices so you have to make sure that every bite is chewed until it is mushy or it won't digest or if it is too by it will not go through the dime size opening from your esophogus to your new stomach. Oh, there is also the following rules: no drinking from straws ever, No pop ever, sweets are like cake, ice cream, etc are definite no, no's. The can cause something called "dumping" which can put you in the hospital in tremendous pain. Now so far writing these blogs has been totally therapeutic but right at this moment I am not finding it that way!  I have always had the knowledge that this journey was not going to be easy by any means, but writing it out and reviewing it just made me realize how hard it is going to be.  Ther previous blog: Supporters Check yielded some fabulous emails and some wonderful supports in which I am thinking I will need every single one!  Thank God for my family, supports and time!  Time is said to be a great healer and I believe time is what I will need to develope my new life.  Maya Angelou said " All great Achievements require time".

Steph

29 Days - Supporters Check!

Top O'The Morning To Ya...seems to be the appropriate way to start today.  Happy St. Patrick's Day to all!  After I finished my blog yesterday I spent a good part of the day with my Mother-In-Law.  When she left, I received a phone call from one of the professionals that have been a part of this gastric bypass process.  It was like a check up call.  She questioned my feelings, was I scared or nervous, did I have the supports I need to be successful.  Am I sure that there is no saboteur's in my life.  Am I completely prepared for the surgery and to follow the dietary needs that begin directly afterwards.  Of course, being put on the spot I answered "Yes" to all of the questions, but now I am reviewing them one by one.  We have already reviewed by feelings and thoughts about the surgery in previous blogs, but a quick recap.  "NO" I am not afraid or nervous, I am very excited to begin a course to my new life. I going to skip to her last question, "yes" I have been buying broth, tea and jello for several months and stocking my pantry.  I have also been making homemade pureed soups that I will be able to eat in the third week of recovery.  I have several frozen in different varieties.  I think I have prepared things sufficiently for the dietary portions of what needs to happen following the surgery.  Now, her question about supports and saboteurs.......where to begin.  Well, let's start with my family.  Family, the people you are related to by blood or marriage, or extension of such.  My parents are probably my biggest supporters next to my husband.  They will certainly help out with as much as they can.  My husband will support and help as much as he can as he is having surgery just 15 days prior to mine on his right hand, so his help in certain areas could be limited.  My brother and his wife live fairly close and I am sure would help out in anyway they could and support me in most decisions and with prayer.  My cousin, who lives with my parents is always supportive and helpful.  She has been my give buddy and a great supporter.  Her encouragement has been a great strength.  Then there is my extended family, cousins, mother - in - law, etc .....which whether near or far are supportive.  I know my mother -in- law would help out in any way she could too.....so I think family has supports covered.  Now friends, I have to say I have some amazing friends and you know who you are!  My closest and dearest friends are beyond supportive, the encourage me daily along this journey and I know would do anything to help me.  I think that my support system is sturdy and stable.  I believe I have strong supports that will carry me through this long journey, along with my faith the road will not seem so difficult.  Saboteurs or ones who practice sabotage.  Sabotage as defined by the Merriam-Webster as a : an act or process tending to hamper or hurt b : deliberate subversion.  Do I have people in my life like this? Yes, I believe I do ....some even try to say they are my friends.  I have weeded out a lot of these saboteurs in the last couple years and more so in the last couple months and weeks.  My thoughts are if you are not my friend then you are my foe.  I do not need negativity or any other form of hindering or hampering in my life at this time.  So for the people that bring this to our relationship, you will find yourself exiled without any notice of sorts, other than please reflect on the scenario that you have unfolded and the friend you have lost.  I will not tolerate any deliberate undermining of my life, my decisions to have surgery and my progress!  I will end with a thought to all those potential saboteurs : "Your life is limited, so don't waste it living someone else's life" - Steve Job.

Steph

30 Days - Time Keeps On Ticking

30 Days, One Month, 720 hours, 43200 seconds.....and time keeps ticking.  Am I still excited......for sure!  Am I nervous yet.....not really.  I am more concerned about the other aspects of life being wrapped up before the surgery.  All those little lose ended that need to be handled before I don't have the time or energy to take care of afterwards.  I think the time seems to being going by so fast that I seem to be running out of time....funny how time is ......sometimes it seems to speed and sometimes it feels like the clock never changes.  Have you ever driven somewhere and it seems to take forever to get there but the return trip home seems to happen much faster.....time doesn't change but maybe it's how we view it that does.  I guess time doesn't need to be something that causes anxiety or fear, but it is something we should treasure as we cannot regain it but within it lies our most cherished memories.  My daughter (enter player - 15 yr old Paige) who is in grade 10 often tells me that something is new (like a singer...Bon Jovi) or something she is doing in school I wouldn't know as I have been out of school so long.  Well, she is right it has been 19 years since I graduated from then, grade 13......but it seems just like yesterday some days.  19 years, wow the things I have done in 19 years.....I could write a book!!  Did I ever think in High School that those 19 years would encompass so much......never.  Did I ever think that I would be 150 lbs over weight?.....NEVER!  Could I change things in general, maybe....but then I wouldn't be who I am today.  Could I have changed things with my weight.....I am honestly not sure.  It's not like I haven't tried so many things to lose, maintain and control a normal level of weight.  Let's see....weight watchers at least 4 different times, Jenny Craig, Beverley Hills, South Beach, dietician, Dr. Bernsteins, Curves, gyms, cabbage soup diet.....and I am sure there is more I have forgotten.  Reality is I have spent most of my life on one diet or another.  Why? To be accepted! To be normal!  The definition of the word Normal according to thefreedictionary.com is 1. Conforming with, adhering to, or constituting a norm, standard, pattern, level, or type; typical: normal room temperature; one's normal weight; normal diplomatic relations.  We have so many different charts and guide lines to follow when it comes to one's normal weight: your doctor, the national BMI chart, and every different diet group has different ways of creating a "normal" weight.  Over the many years I have been told my weight should be anywhere between 145 lbs and 185 lbs.  I have decided that for me I would be delighted if I was between 185lb and 210lbs.  Now again this is my decision not any chart, any doctor it's all me.  To risk sounding repeatitive my weight goal isn't centred around what I look like but more what I feel like...health wise.  Weight loss is sometimes like time, sometimes it happens so fast and other times it happens dreadfully slow and each time you try it is slower.  Unlike time, you definitely can regain weight the challenge is to maintain the weight loss so like time and cherishing memories you must treasure what you have done and continue to move forward with time making each new day, hour, minute a challenge.  There are two fabulous quotes I would like to leave you with today.  One is “Opportunity is missed by most people because it is dressed in overalls and looks like work.”
- Thomas A Edison.  My work is cut out for me and the journey will be tough, but so worth while.  The second quote is "The bad news is time flies. The good news is you're the pilot." - Michael Althsuler.  I have always been the pilot I just strayed from the course, now the course is plotted and with God as my navigator I will make it!

Steph

31 Days - Seasons Change .....But Do I?

Today's blog is brought to you by the letter "C"....change.  Now for those of you reading that know me personally you know I am who I am, but recently I have had a few friends tell me the are worried that this surgery is going to change me.  The word change as defined by www.dictionary.reference.com is a transformation or modification; alteration.   Now my immediate response was to to say "No" this won't change me, but after having a conversation with my brother ( enter player - young pastor and father of 3 beautiful children) he really got me thinking.  Will this surgery change me?  My answer is now "yes" but give me a moment to explain.  Yes, it will change me physically......yes, I will lose any where from 80 to 180 lbs. Is that a drastic physical change....yes and will it affect me emotionally...yes, but I do not believe negatively.  I think people are afraid that maybe I will become stuck up or snobby, or maybe obsessive about my weight loss.  I think those are all possiblilities for many people, but I really don't think I will be like that.  One, this surgery isn't being done for vanity purposes....the weight loss is really to help with my health and achieve my ankle replacement ( See 37 Days - A New Life Journey Begins ).  Two, I just don't really have an obsessive personality and Three, I am not stuck up or snobby, some people misunderstand my confidence for this but that's because they have never gotten to know me.  For the people that know me.....yes, I am a pretty straight shooter.  I tell it like it is, sometimes maybe a little harsher than I should and I apologize, but I have never been a person to beat around the bush.  I personally like to have everything straight and upfront to deal with so that is how I handle things....sometimes I forget others handle things differently.  My brother seemed to thing that maybe some of my confidence hides my insecurities.  Naturally I want to say "No" but if I take a moment or two to reflect on this then "yes" I am sure it does.  Insecurities and fears are part of everyone's life....it's all about the way you handle them.  I guess some of my biggest fears are about my weight and appearance so I have maintained a cover or confidence to hide them.  Now in saying all that there is definite things I believe....I believe that no matter what size you are, big or small, the way you present yourself is the key.  Large women don't have to be sterotyped like we often are " track pants, sloppy t-shirts and a bag of potatoe chips sitting on the couch." I have a large wardrobe of beautiful clothes and not many people can say they have ever seen me without my hair or make-up done.  Now I am not saying you have to paint yourself like a barn door to be attractive, so please don't misunderstand that statement....I am just saying that presentation is important.  I have some larger friends that are stunningly beautiful....both on the inside and out....so size should not matter.  My confidence may mask some fears or insecurites but will my confidence be shaken, "no" will I gain confidence ....quite possibly.  Will it go to my head "No".  As my body shrinks I am promising my head will not grow....lol.  The difference between confidence and cockiness is the person in between.  I am viewing this surgery as a challenge of sorts....will I change ...yes but positively.  Will I gain more confidence....how about different confidence.  Will I become an unapproachable skinny snob....definitely now.....body might be smaller but I still will have a big girl brain.  Do I want this to change....yes, in the way my brain processes food and eating....no, in the way I handle situations, friends and relationships.  So for those of you that love me no worries I will be me and for those of you who don't care so much for me....sorry.....Stephanie is staying in personality....just not body.  My cousin sends me little motivation and enspiring quotes daily and yesterdays quote just seems to fit.  "Accept the challenges so that you can feel the exhilaration of victory." George S Patton.  So my finally words for today are "I ACCEPT"!

32 Days - If I Didn't Have Bad Luck I Wouldn't Have Any Luck At All!!!

Hello Friends!  Sorry the blog is a little late today but it's just been one of those days!  So lets begin where I left off yesterday.  Oh yes, the update.   Well, the local hospital did the ultrasound....the tech left half way through the test saying "I need to ummmm consult with the doctor." then returned to tell me that they didn't want me to leave and I should go register in the emergency department.  That took an hour and a half just to get triaged then the real wait began.   oh about 6 /12 hours later a doctor saw me for 3 1/2 minutes to say that "there is a large mass in your leg, we aren't sure if is is a hematoma or lipotoma but it's in the tissue so there is nothing we can do for you.  Go home and take a Tylenol and it should go in 5 to 6 weeks.  Well, I went home and did what they said.  Went to another hospital on Sunday and was more or less told the same thing...."please seek follow up with your family doctor."  I again explained she was on holidays but apparently they don't understand English or I was speaking a form of Alien.  I got up this morning as normal struggled to go to work and then called my family doctor's office, spoke with the receptionist and she got me into another doctor.  Now here's the good part.....I hobbled into the doctors office to run into an old aqaintance....of course she asked why I was there.  I vaguely explained and then my father volunatrily said "She needs this cleaned up quickly as she is having Gastric Bypass surgery next month."  This delightful lady then said "oh so if you hadn't gained so much weight you probably wouldn't be here then, right."  Her cell phone then rang, she answered it and handed it to her daughter.  The daughter said "it's so-and-so she wants you to bring her food home." Her response is the part that floored me....ready?  "oh, tell her to go on a diet or she'll end up her like Stephanie."  Talk about saved by the bell folks cause just then the nurse called me into be seen....as the comment that was forming was not going to come out in a polite suitable manner.  Now,  the doctor, lovely lady who actually listened to what I was saying ( local er doctor's should take note, this is how it is done).  She reviewed the ultrasound report with me and confirmed that the lump is not a Baker's cyst.  The lovely mass, which according to the report was 4cm x 2 cm on Saturday was measured and is now 12 cm x 5 cm.  The difference in today's visit is the centre part of the lump is deep red now and hot, while the outer portion of the lump is a lighter red with some heat.  The positive part of this visit is the doctor has found what the problem is....the not so positive part is what the problem is....   The large growing mass in my leg is a massive infection caused by a spider bite.....maybe not just any spider....possibly a brown recluse.  How.?....it's me!!!  Why? It's me!! She thinks it didn't break out completely as I was on the antibiotics for the sinus infection last week, now they are done the infection is spreading.  The local pharmacy is becoming my favourite pit stop.....NOT!  So antibiotics, pain killers and off work until at least Friday is the new plan. Along with No pressure and leg elevation for the next 3 days.  Oh yes, and another scheduled ultrasound to make sure the mass is shrinking.  I am sure today was just not my day so I am going to bed early and trying again tomorrow.  Good night Friends.

Steph

33 Days - The Day After

Having spent a total of 10 1/2 hours of my Saturday waiting for doctors I had quite a bit of time to think besides the battery on my Ereader ran out.  While at the hospital during my ultrasound the technician all of a sudden left and said " I need to go consult with the doctor" this was clue number one that something was wrong.  Clue number two came when I hear her tell me husband "you better go sit in there with her" and clue three was " We can get ahold of the referring doctor but you really shouldn't leave....go register in the Emergency department and let them know you have had an ultrasound."  With the amount of pain that was in my leg already and having them push on it for the ultrasound I could barely walk.  My husband, Geoff had to help me get dressed and walk to the emergency department where It was packed!!!  A second triage was opened just to attempt to handle the overflow.  It took over an hour and twenty minutes just to be triaged.  By the time I saw a doctor ( hours later ) I was in a lot of pain.  The emergency doctor spent all of 5 minutes with me telling me there is a "large mass but we don't know what it is ...could be a blood clot or a fatty clot but it's in the tissue so we don't do anything for it.  Take a tylenol and it will go away in 5 to 6 weeks."  I quickly explained about the pain and the numbness in my leg but there was no aknowledgement of that.  Home I went with more pain than ever.  Took Tylenol and it did nothing!!! Through the course of several phone calls I was able to see another doctor.  This doctor is a specialist and he advised that he felt it was a bakers cyst. A bakers cyst as defined by the Mayo Clinic is the following:
A Baker's cyst is a fluid-filled cyst that causes a bulge and a feeling of tightness behind your knee. The pain can get worse when you fully flex or extend your knee or when you're active.
A Baker's cyst, also called a popliteal cyst, is usually the result of a problem with your knee joint, such as arthritis or a cartilage tear. Both conditions can cause your knee to produce too much fluid, which can lead to a Baker's cyst.  Treatment of a bakers cyst usual consist of leg elevation and hot and cold packs under the back of the knee for a smaller cyst. If the cyst is very large and causes a lot of pain, your doctor may use the following treatments:

• Physical therapy. Icing, a compression wrap and crutches may help reduce pain and swelling. Gentle range-of-motion and strengthening exercises for the muscles around your knee also may help to reduce your symptoms and preserve knee function.
• Fluid drainage. Your doctor may drain the fluid from the knee joint using a needle. This is called needle aspiration and is often performed under ultrasound guidance.
• Medication. Your doctor may inject a corticosteroid medication, such as cortisone, into your knee to reduce inflammation. This may relieve pain, but it doesn't always prevent recurrence of the cyst.

If all else fails then surgery is the last option.  So, to make a long story short I will have to live with the pain and discomfort for at least another week until my family doctor returns from her holidays and I can make an appointment.  The positive part of yesterday's journey was ....I don't think it will have any effect of my surgery.  No delays, No cancellation....the only thing is I will need to have any surgery done previous to the bypass surgery as I cannot have surgery for 18 months after.....I cannot go for 18 months with this pain.  The saga continues.....

34 Days - Complications begin

Just a normal Saturday morning......wrong.  I have been doing so well passed all the testing for the gastric bypass surgery with flying colours....there was only one concern the doctor had....blood clots.  Now I myself have never had a blood clot but my father has had a few and they were major ones as they went through his heart and his lung.  Due to this family history of blood clots I had to do extra testing, such as Doppler ultrasounds of my legs to ensure no blood clots, by the way I found the ultrasound of my legs to be extremely painful as the amount of pressure that is put on the main artery from your groin to your ankles is definitely felt.  Now that I have said all that here's my morning in a nutshell.  I woke up at 7:18 am and got out of bed.  When my feet hit the ground I felt pain in my left leg....thinking maybe just from being in bed or stiff I headed for the laundry room to start a load of laundry and get my Saturday in gear.  While getting dressed the pain persisted ...weird was my thought as it was an achy pressure kind of pain.  So I instinctively rubbed my leg where it hurt....OH OH....at the top of my calf on my left leg just behind my knee is a large lump that would be the size between a golf ball and a tennis ball and it HURT to touch it!  Reasoning with myself that I of course have never had a blood clot it must be something else.  Finished getting dressed, headed out to do groceries and it got worse.  Walking around the grocery store the pain and the pressure started to build.  Now I was feeling like my leg was losing circulation.  Nope I still reasoned with myself.....finished the groceries and then decided I better get this checked.  Well, knowing my doctor is still away on holidays I had to call the after hours clinic and be triaged by a registered nurse.  This time the nurse called back within 20 mins (rather impressive as I have waited up to 3 hours before).  The conclusion was see the doctor right away.  Off to the on call doctor's office I go.  The doctor on call was quite friendly but sat back in her chair and did the "I am perplexed look" then said "I am perplexed".  The lump is large but appears superfical....then the questions about blood clots.  Now I am on my way to the local hospital to have another Doppler ultrasound as the doctor is concerned this is a blood clot.  I have to say that it is quite painful and I am a little concerned myself as this lump appeared out of nowhere over night.  This is not what I need right now!  I am hoping and praying that this is not a blood clot for a few reasons.  Blood clots or DVT is defined by Wikipedia as the following:
In medicine, deep vein thrombosis (also known as deep venous thrombosis and usually abbreviated as DVT) is the formation of a blood clot ("thrombus") in a deep vein. It is a form of thrombophlebitis (inflammation of a vein with clot formation).
Deep vein thrombosis commonly affects the leg veins (such as the femoral vein or the popliteal vein) or the deep veins of the pelvis. Occasionally the veins of the arm are affected (if spontaneous, this is known as Paget-Schrötter disease). A DVT can occur without symptoms, but in many cases the affected extremity will be painful, swollen, red, warm and the superficial veins may be engorged. The most serious complication of a DVT is that the clot could dislodge and travel to the lungs, which is called a pulmonary embolism (PE). DVT is a medical emergency. All limb swellings however trivial, should be regarded as a DVT until proven otherwise. Untreated lower extremity DVT has a 3% PE-related mortality rate. Deaths associated with upper extremity DVT are extremely rare.^[1] A late complication of DVT is the post-thrombotic syndrome, which can manifest itself as edema, pain or discomfort and skin problems.
DVT or Blood clots at this stage before the surgery can cause delay or cancellation and they are dangerous due to the risk of a clot breaking away and travelling through your blood stream.  I am hoping this this cellulitus or phelobitus.  These two conditions can have similiar symptoms as DVT. Treatment of DVT is often done with medications but sometime surgery is required.    Today is the day to pull out some of that strength and courage I have previously spoken about. Well, off to the hospital to conquer this obstacle...wish me luck.  I will update as soon as I can. 

Steph

35 Days - It's My Time

When I woke up this morning I was not sure what I was going to write today, but I had a quick facebook chat with my cousin and something she said stuck....It's Your Time.  Have you ever thought about a situation past, present or future in which you wonder how will I do it, can I do this, or how in the world did I do that? The realization of the simple fact that It's My Time....is where I will begin to base my strength and courage.  At 36 years old I have been through some extreme situations in my life some that have brought me so close to death that it would make the hair on your neck stand up, but this upcoming surgery is different.  The risks are definitely there.  The surgery itself is roughly 3 hours long and I am overweight which causes a risk in itself, the surgeon cuts out a small piece of my exsisting stomach(about the size of your thumb) and closes my old stomach which must remain due to the digestive juices that enter the bowel.  He then re-attaches the espophagus to my new stomach leaving a dime sized open from my espophagus into my new stomach. The surgeon then attaches a part of the small intestine to the bottom of my new stomach.  Once this is complete the surgeon puts dye through this new system to make sure there is no leaks.  The risk of leaks is a concern as it can cause severe infection and death if not taken care of immediately....this risk is generally within the first 48 hours after surgery.  It will be imperitive that I follow the directions or "rules" from the bariatric clinic to be successful in weight loss but to also remain healthy as straying from anything on the long list of directions can end up in the hospital with severe pain and risk to existance.  Sounds pretty scary, huh?  For reasons that I really have thought about now, I am not afraid.  I am not a crazy religious person but I do believe in God and God has brought me this far and I believe He will bring me through this surgery.  Besides my faith in God there are some people in my life that exude strength.....one is my dad.  I could blog for days about him as he is the strongest man I know.  My dad will be 80 in 2012, he is a retired police officier, a husband and grandfather.  Two years ago in March I watched him get out of my stopped vehicle to help a man that was being attacked by another man from behind.....we were passing what we thought was a fender bender when we witnessed this crazy scene.  The attacker then got in the passenger side of the second vehicle and they backed up and drove at my dad.  They hit him.....all I can remember is his body flipping in the air multiple times ( the hood on his winter coat just kept flapping) and when he hit the ground I thought he was dead, but the car then ran over him dragging him 15 ft down the road.  His feet trailing out the back of the car was all I could see as I ran screaming after this vehicle.  The vehicle jumped the curb to drive down the front lawn of several houses to make an escape as the roads were now blocked with traffic from this insane scene. My dads body then flew across the road and rolled under a parked car.  I crawled under to pull him out and he got up bleeding and said " we can't get an ambulance in here for that guy, check him and I will direct trafffic".  Shock maybe, strength....for sure.  At 77 years old he directed traffic and made sure everyone else was ok before he gave in an finally allowed the paramedics to look at him.  To me that is strength, he never once worried about himself, he thought about the stranger on the ground, myself who was a mess and the others around and I want to view this situation the same.  Yes, ultimately this surgery is about me but it is for the people around me also.  I want to be healthy enough to enjoy my children, to do the things I cannot do right now with them.  I want to be there for many years for my husband.  If I think about all the risks and cons to surgery I could become upset...I am human and everyone has fear.  It is what you do with fear that is the answer, fear has brought me to this choice in my life....I fear I won't walk or even live long if I don't change.  I won't allow fear to hold me back.  The people in my life like my dad that show such strengths give me a great example to follow.  April 15th 2011 is the day of my surgery at 9:00am and friends ....IT'S MY TIME....to take control of my life and begin a new chapter.

36 Days - Count Down To Surgery

36 Days until gastric bypass surgery.  Many people are sending me private messages about this surgery.  Some are very encouraging some are discouraging.  Some people want to know if I am nervous or scared, some just want to tell me of all the risks and the people they know or know of that it did not go well for.  I am not sure why anyone would say anything negative at this point as my mind is made up and the surgery will happen.  I understand that everyone is entitled to an opinion but do you really think I haven't researched this procedure?  I have spent the better part of two years going to meetings, appointments and speaking with several people who have had the surgery previously.  Did you know that I had to see a nurse, a dietician and a social worker several times before I could even see the surgeon.  If I did not get what they call a "green light" from each of the professionals that I saw there is no option of surgery.  Once a "green light" is achieved then I see the surgeon which was two hours of very direct information.  The surgeon goes into great detail of the risks and all the statistics that go with the risks including facts such as 25% of married couples end up in divorce as the partner generally cannot handle how drastically this surgery changes everyones life.  I have spent months reviewing all the pros and cons of this surgery with my family, my doctor, my close friends and I believe that I am making the right decision for all that are involved.  I understand the risks so thank you to all of you that have pointed them out to me again. As for being nervous or scared, No I am not either.  I am excited.  Excited that I am going to have a second chance on life....excited that my health and quality of living will improve.  I am celebrating not fretting.  Maybe closer to the surgery date I will feel a little bit of jitters but for now the supports which include my best friend and husband, Geoff and my family along with my faith in God will keep me rooted. Oh and one last thing, for those of you that have said "you are taking the easy way out" Please read my blog carefully, see what I have gone through and continue to read to see what is still to come.  There is NOTHING easy about this surgery, not the preparation for it or the aftermath of it!

37 Days - A New Life Journey Begins

Well, I am home sick today with a terrible cold/sinus infection and started thinking about my life and my new life.  For those of you that have known me for a long time or those of you that have known me for a short time you will all know that I have struggled for years with my weight.  As far back as I can remember I have always had to watch my weight.  During high school I remained at a normal to slightly overweight level, but once I had children this struggle intensified greatly.  Three years after my first child was born I had finally lost enough weight to feel and look normal again, but low and behold I was expecting again.  With this pregnancy my weight gain was huge (85 lbs).  I had gestational diabetes with this pregnancy and losing the weight after was difficult.  Being almost 5'9" my height hides my weight a little  but the last decade has flown by and I have tried several different diets, Weight watchers, Beresteins, Jenny Craig, South Beach, Atkins, Herbal Magic, etc and so on.  I have probably lost over the past ten years at least 437 lbs and have probably gained 554 lbs.  But these were all diets, having gastric bypass surgery is not a diet it is a life changing tool.  My life changing tool is a definite risk, but to me the risk is worth it as is a means to an end for me.  Several years ago now I broke my ankle but when the xrays came back the doctor was almost dumbfounded as he placed them on the screen, we, my husband and I could see the large black holes that appeared throughtout my ankle joint and lower leg.  I was diagnosed with a condition called:
Osteochondritis dissecans (pronounced /ˌɒsti.oʊkɒnˈdraɪtɪs ˈdɪsɨkænz/, and often abbreviated to OCD or OD) is a joint disorder in which cracks form in the articular cartilage and the underlying subchondral bone.[1] OCD is caused by blood deprivation in the subchondral bone. This loss of blood flow causes the subchondral bone to die in a process called avascular necrosis. The bone is then reabsorbed by the body, leaving the articular cartilage it supported prone to damage. The result is fragmentation (dissection) of both cartilage and bone, and the free movement of these osteochondral fragments within the joint space, causing pain and further damage.[2][3][4]
In humans OCD is a rare disease, occurring in only 15 to 30 people per 100,000 in the general population each year.  I have always remembered having pain in my leg and ankle even as a teenager but doctors always told me that is was growing pains and I should try to lose some weight, thus is where my weight struggles began.
Now saying all that, with years added and 5 surgeries to my ankle ....the weight I carry in definitely not a helpful thing.  I am on a wait list to have my ankle completely replaced as it is not stable and works when it wants.  With having pain daily and not being able to exercise as well as I should or could have it has been a bad catch 22.  On Feb 18th 2011 I joined the gym, doing what I can to lose weight and show the surgeon that I am going to put the effort into my life change.  I have been to the gym 5 days a week since......not counting today cause I don't think I can breathe right to exercise today.
So I guess the morale of this story is I am changing my life drastically in order to lose weight and maintain weight loss to have my ankle replaced to not live in pain everyday.  I would like to continue to blog about my pending weight loss and daily journey to the surgery and afterwards as the weight begins to shed