<span> A thought</span>. Thinking about my past years of weight gain, loss and control and wonder where it all went wrong. Do I even remember a time when I didn't struggle with weight issues? What happened? Where did I lose control? How did I gain this much weight? Some of those questions I can answer some of them I can't. Did I ever think that I would be here, at this stage needing help....no not just needing help.....needing extreme help. I never thought I would required major surgery to get my weight under control, but here I am.
<span>A Dream</span>. Little girls grow up dreaming of weddings and princes! My dream was to grow up and be thin. Oh how I have dreamed of being thin. Not saying that I am not happy with who I am now but I have always wanted to be within the "norm". I have dreamt of the day that I could walk into any store and buy clothes from the rack. I have dreamt of beaches and volleyball, swimming and sun where I was thin and no one stared and made comments like "beached whale" or "it's blocking the sun." I have dreamt of the day I could walk without pain or at least with less pain. My dreams whether awake or asleep has kept me thinking of a thin me for many many years. Is it silly to dream? Is it wrong to hope and pray that someday, somehow, someway I could be thin, be "normal" be accepted! I have heard so many people say to have dreams like mine are just an attempt to hold on to a reality that will never be again. Well I am here to tell you they are WRONG!!
<span>A Reality</span>. 17 Days and reality begins. My reality begins. I am here I am living it and doing it. I have committed to a gym been working out as much as I can ( todays ultrasound on my leg revealed the spider bite mass is down to 1 cm x 1.5 cm) and I am committed to this surgery. Tomorrow is my pre-op appointment. I will sit with my husband and wait to see the anesthesiologist. We will go over the surgery plan and all the little details. I have had difficulty with anesthesia in the past. Simple day surgery is always dragged out because I cannot stop vomiting. With this surgery we cannot allow for that because of where and how they have to close my old stomach and re-attach my new stomach to my esophogus. There is definite danger if I begin any vomiting so it will be extremely important to mix the right cocktail of medications to stop all nausea. I also have to bring my CPAP maching....you know those noisy breathing machines that make sure you don't stop breathing during the night. I didn't even know I have a problem breathing until I started all the pre-op testing for this surgery. With the weight loss there will also be the loss of the machine as I will not need it after about 6 months of weight loss. Reality is scary! Reailit is exciting. Reality will be weight loss and a new body, a much smaller body. This is my reality. I am a little frightened but my excitement and happiness far out way my anxieties. Walt Disney said "if you dream it, You can do it." I have dreamt it, I am doing it and I will succeed!
You're standing on the threshold of success. Don't look down, it'll make you dizzy.
- Timothy Q. Mouse in the Walt Disney movie Dumbo
Steph
Never aim to become "normal". That can be so boring, and that's not a word I ever associate with you!
ReplyDeleteI just thought of a really good quote from one of my favorite shows (Mythbusters... such a geek!)
ReplyDelete"I reject your reality and substitute my own!"
Normal is what you chose it to be, the happiness that you decide for yourself. Will this be a new reality, a new normal for you? Yeah. But it will be 100% Steph's reality.