Day Twenty Two - Neapolitan

 Just to start with an update 2/3 of the "J" Team was here today and once again did a fabulous job cleaning for me.  I am so thankful for these ladies.  My sister - in - law tackled my oven today, wow what a mess.  She cleaned the oven, inside and out, set the self clean and pulled it out from the wall.  Cleaned the terrible mess that had accumulated underneath in the last year or two plus her and my cousin put the whole appliance on rollers so I can easily pull it out from the wall.  Once the "J" Team left and my kitchen was all sparkly clean I just had to cook.  So I made spaghetti pie for my gang for supper and made a Neapolitan cake for my friend.  It's Mother's Day tomorrow and I thought the cake would be nice to go with a card.  I just hate giving a card alone.  While I was making the cake my mind was going a mile a minute.  I do lots of thinking...keeps me from eating....lol.  As I made the three layers, vanilla, strawberry and chocolate I was drawn to the fact that everyone has layers.  You know what I am talking about.  First you see the yummy outside layer that everyone loves, then there is the next layer(strawberry) and not everyone loves this layer, finally there is a finishing layer (chocolate) this is the real inside layer the one that everyone likes to get to but few do.  I'm laughing now because a lot of my analogies seem to relate to food....funny huh.  Why do I feel like we all have layers, well maybe I should personalize it more.  Why do I feel like I have layers, because I do have layers.  Now I want to make it clear before I try to peel these layers is I am not saying I am fake or that anyone else is just that we all have levels of emotions, feeling and what I call "security levels".  My vanilla layer is what everyone sees....me.  I am a relatively happy person, pretty laid back at times, fairly easy to get along with some people even feel I might be not very smart as I just don't engage with some people or certain situations (security level 3).  The strawberry level is a little more intense.  People that know this level know that yes all of the things from the vanilla level are true but there is some wear and tear in the heart & mind shown in this layer.  A little more of me is exposed (security level 2).  Not ever one likes this level as I do engage, say the things I need to say.  I tend to pick my battles at this level but you will soon find I am quite intelligent and have pockets of experience in many many avenues.  You will also find that I do not back down when it is a moral or ethical issue.  My children are my fire and if they are attacked in anyway it is like adding gasoline.  My intense drive for knowledge and organization can be a force to reckon with.  My loyalty to friends, family & faith is unquestionable.  Sheer determination and stubborness drives this perfectly pink layer which is how I can bake and cook without being tempted to eat.  This layer holds heartache and fears but they are not really unlocked at this level.  My tendency to make a joke or laugh at the situation is my way of side stepping the issue at the center....the choclate layer.  Security level 1, the chocolate layer.....this is my most protected layer.  This is protected better that The Canadian Mint!  This is the layer that most people never reach....if you hang around long enough to get past vanilla and cruise into strawberry well, most people don't think there is more to me but the chocolate is always the best!  This is the layer that holds the most sorrow, most fears and most love.  Do I let people get this close?  Tell you the truth....I don't think so.  There has been some that have tasted this layer but have always slammed up the gates.  People that have glimpsed at this layer are people that have had a place ...a special place in my life and heart.  In order to save myself (you know like saving the best piece of the cake for last) I don't let people in that far.  To me this has always stopped more heartache, but am I missing out?  The best part of eating a neapolitan cake is you taste all the flavours, all three layers, vanilla, strawberry and chocolate.  It wouldn't be a Neapolitan cake without the three layers.  I am not really me without allowing people to see all three layers?  I guess my challenge to myself is to let people in and let love out!
Steph

Day Twenty-One - Me, the chair & my derriere!

In the immortal words of that famous pooch, Scooby-Doo.....SCOOBY-DOOBIE DOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!  I am pretty excited.  Now this is a biggie for me so don't laugh! Today I went to an appointment with my husband at CMH.  For years and years I have always surveyed the waiting area as soon as possible and sought out the chairs with no arms.  You know those ugly chairs with the metal or wood arm handles.  Once in awhile I would get one of the larger chairs or I would just simply rather suffer standing on my ankle than sitting squished into a chair.  I have on occasion pushed and squished my oversized hind end into these very uncomfortable chairs only to have my thighs so squished that my legs would fall asleep and I would have bruises for weeks afterwards.  TODAY I did the same survey of a waiting room that I have sat in many many times, but there was only two available chairs and they of course were the ones with the arms.  With the place being packed as it was Geoff and I grabbed for the two chairs.  Taking a deep breath I started my decent into the chair, only to be shocked and delighted.....the chair and my derriere made friends.  YES, my big butt fit in the chair!  OH happy day, I not only fit without being squished I sat there for almost an hour without having my legs fall asleep, without having to keep moving to stop the pinching.  It was a satisfaction that I am not sure I could explain in words.  Only someone that has been overweight and has lost a large amount of weight would completely understand this feeling.  This is just one more of the milestones that I will touch on my way to my goal.  I have not weighed myself again this week as I have made it my rule to only do it once a week, that way I don't obsess about the weight reduction as much.  I am still working out a way to plan my meals at work to fit in with my new way of eating.  I was so pleased to read some really good recipes on My Daily Strength yesteday from fellow GBS friends.  I have already bought some of the ingredients to prepare some of the new recipes I read.  I am excited that there is a huge support group and that they are from all over the world and that everyone is so very kind, helpful and supportive.  I am preparing and handling the groceries and meals at home and doing it so far without any problems.  I have learned to cook without tasting everything and  don't seem to be craving to much.  The only huge craving I have had is a Subway flatbread tuna sub.  Weird eh?  I am able to have tuna next week and I cannot eat flatbread but I can have 1/2 a whole wheat pita or 1/2 a 6in torilla....so my version of a tuna sub is on it's way.  I am totaly excited about having a poached egg and some egg salad, of course it is slightly tweeked to fit my diet but that is ok by me.  Food sort of has a new approach and excitement for me. My new motto is now  "enjoy what you have, not have more to enjoy".  If I remember my motto and stick to my instructions from the bariatric clinic I should stay on a good path, plus adding back in my exercise routine will definitely help my goal.  Since my caboose is shrinking I should start some toning exercises to keep that on the decline.  Monday I see the surgeon, will weigh in at the hospital and will get the "green light" to go back to the gym.  Tuesday I am back to work and back to the gym if all goes well.  I am certain that everything is going well and I will return to my regular schedule of things and this makes me happy.  To my coworkers: see you all on Tuesday!!!!
Steph

Day Twenty - Fly Butterfly Fly

 I will be 37 years old in May and for a large part of my life I have had butterflies in it.  I know that may sound funny but let me back track a bit and do a bit of explaining.  Mr. John G Powers, other wise known as "The Butterfly Man" has been a close family friend since before my birth.  John has spent his entire life devoted to his love of butterflies.  He is the founder of "Wings of Paradise" and has three world class travelling exhibitions Flying Jewels, The Incredible World of Bugs, and The Wings of Paradise Exhibit.  I began doing odd jobs for John at a very young age and by the time I was 13 I was manning the table at his mall show exhibits.  I have packaged hundred of thousands of butterfly products that John has created and marketed.  My parents home growing up always had beautiful shadow box cased butterflies from all over the world.  One this John taught me over the years is the beauty and miracle of the butterfly.  As a young teenager John would set me up with my own caterpillar, generally a monach.  He would give me a lesson on how to care for the little crawling creature I had, what to feed it ( I picked milkweed for ages) and how to know when the little caterpillar was going to change into a beautiful butterfly.  One of John's fabulous collections has signed autographs from celebrities from all over the world, anyone that has sang a song about butterflies, made a movie that made mention of butterflies, had a motto of butterflies like Mohammed Ali ( Float like a butterfly, Sting like a bee). Recently Ms. Miley Cyrus has sang a song entitled Butterfly Fly Away.  The main chorus of the song speaks about "Caterpillar in the tree, how you wonder who you'll be, can't go far but you can always dream.""Butterfly fly away, Butterfly fly away, flap your wings now you can't stay, take those dreams and make them all come true."  I have always believed caterpillars and butterflies are one of God's most beautiful miracles.  My favourite butterflies are the jewel toned butterflies, the Blue Morpho is my absolute favourite.  It is a large butterfly with a wingspan of 5 to 8 inches and is found in South and Central America.  Their beautiful jewel tone is a mixture of blue and green iridesence.  It is a profound miracle to watch these beauties emerge from the cocoon.  My mind is drawn to a wise quote from Richard Bach "What the caterpillar calls the end of the world, the master calls a butterfly.  I talked about the countdown to my surgery and then my new life starting.  It reminds me of the caterpillar and the butterfly.  I began a journey as a caterpillar, preparing for my cocoon...I reached the time or the end as some would say but it was not the end it was the beginning.  The beginning of my life, and as I emerge I will be the butterfly.  Fly Butterfly Fly!
Steph

Day Nineteen - Jack & The Beanstalk vs Stephanie & The Staircase

The part of Jack & the Beanstalk that I want to point out is Jack really wanted to climb that beanstalk. He wanted to see what was at the top so bad, explore a new world. I to want to explore a new world, but my goal is not to climb to the top; my goal is to go in the opposite direction, reverse as some might say. At the top of my staircase is my highest amount I have ever weighed......I have spent alot of time at the top of this staircase but made a decision to begin my decline. I don't know if Jack stopped on each different branch he used to climb that beanstalk but I have stopped to view the scenary on ever step down. I learn something new, something exciting with each new step. Today I stepped on the scale again ( I made a rule for myself that I can only get on the scale once a week). I have not been weighed for 14 days. The scale I have could not weigh me the first few times as it has a maximum weight amount and I was still above it. Today the scale told me that I am down 20 lbs since my last weight in. I really hope the scale doesn't lie, but I have tried it at 3 different times today and am only off by a lb either way. That makes for a total lose of 81 lbs since Christmas and 70 lbs since April 1 2011. I realize that I still have a fair amount of weight reduce but I am confident that I will continue with my staircase decline. I assume that the weight reduction will slow down somewhat in it's rapid decline. I have changed about 4 1/2 sizes so far in pants, but the funniest is I am going to have to buy new shoes as my shoes are all to big. Next week when I go back to work it is once again casual dress wear and I will need to dig out some of my dresser smaller clothing. I have a sense of pride when I see what I have accomplished and the clothing that I can fit back into, but part of my feels a little helpless or maybe hanging in limbo is a better way to put it. Like the childrens rhyme "round and round she goes; where she stops no one knows." I have events throughout the summer and early fall that I am attending and I cannot fathom what in the world I will wear. It's a little troubling but once I have a better gist the weight reduction and if or when it slows down I will be able to do some planning. It's about not being prepared for me I guess. Strange, because I am so happy to watch the weight dropping off it's just a weird state of being, mind and body. I had lunch (soup-split pea and ham in which I took out all the ham pieces I cannot eat) with my dad today, the waitress couldn't figure out why I only ate a little bit of the soup and asked to take the rest with me. I explained I just had GBS and that my amounts are small. She said that she didn't think that anyone could survive on those amounts and that I probably wasn't getting my vitamins and nutrients that I need. I am doing exactly what the bariatric clinic has instructed me to do, measuring everything, weighing everything following the rules to the T. I know that at the 2 month post op mark I have to begin to take a prenatal vitamin as they have the most needed vitamin and minerals. My blood work is set up for every 3 months so they can monitor my levels closely in case there is an iron deficiency or other low levels. I still am not feeling hungry or starving as I have been asked. I am just figuring out how I am going to work my meal plan into my work schedule. I have prepackaged and measured soups and meals, I have to try toast and peanut butter for breakfast....lol my 1/4 piece with 1 tbsp of peanut butter. I can have egg salad and melba toast too. I have 8 days till I can eat solid food. This is a step that I will stop and enjoy on the decent of my weight decline staircase. Jack got to the top of his beanstalk and saw what he wanted, I will get to the bottom of my staircase but I will not go back up the way Jack went back down.
Steph

Day Eighteen - Green Eggs and Ham

The ever popular children's book Green Eggs and Ham written by the beloved author, Dr. Seuss is where today's blog title comes from.  In the book Green Eggs and Ham the major quote is " I do not like green eggs and ham, I do not like them Sam I am." Then the story goes on to ask "would you like them in a boat, with a goat, in a box with a fox."(Dr.Seuss).  I do not like green eggs and I cannot eat ham till October but what I wouldn't give for a poached eggs (note: my friend and my husband are sitting here eating my favourite: eggs benedict right now).  As I was thinking about what to write today I looked at some of the other Dr. Seuss quotes and some are very good.  "Sometimes questions are complicated and answers are simple" is a Dr.Suess quote, but thinking about it makes sense....too many times we complicate the questions and the answers we seek are so simple.  I like to plan and prepare and totally think things through " I like nonsense, it wakes up brain cells"(Dr.Seuss).  Waking up brain cells is good for us all, but Dr.Seuss's quote "You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. And YOU are the one who'll decide where to go..." How true is this quote, I know what I know and I know that I am 36 years old, have lived through some insane situations, I have two children, I have had GBS and I am a winner!  I am going to succeed!  Some thought my blog yesterday Visitors, Friends and Fakes was harsh and showed bitterness and anger.  I don't believe I am bitter I just wanted the people that decide to talk about me to know that I am not in the dark about it.  Dr. Suess also had a comment that suits "Be who you are and say what you feel, because those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind." Now I am beginning to think Dr.Seuss was a pretty smart guy and maybe it wasn't all directed at children.  "The more that you read, the more things you will know. The more that you learn, the more places you'll go."(Dr.Seuss)  I love to read, I love to learn.  I have said before knowledge is power and power brings with it success.  With the knowledge that I have and the writing that I do in my blog I hope that I am able to help someone with their journey throught GBS or with any kind of journey. "Think left and think right and think low and think high. Oh, the thinks you can think up if only you try!"(Dr.Seuss) I think I am on the right path for my life, I think I can have great success on my new life journey " I can in a house, with a mouse" I can on my own, I can all alone, I will with all my friends, I will with praying hands. Oh Dear Oh Dear I think I might be on a rhyming roll, all the way to my 100 lb goal.  "If things start happening, don't worry, don't stew, just go right along and you'll start happening too." (Dr.Seuss) I am down almost 60 pounds, that it almost astounds, it's such a quick pace and you can see the lose in my face.  My pants are getting kind of loose, and there is shrinkage in my caboose.  My shoulders look smaller and that makes me stand taller.  I am so excited I just want to holler, I hope I am not being a bother.  "You're off to great places, Today is your day! Your mountain is waiting! So....get on your way! (Dr.Seuss) My weight is dropping, blouses no longer popping, but haven't done any shopping, because the reduction isn't stopping.  Day by day, little by little I work towards my goal, a dream from deep in my soul.  "So be sure when you step, Step with care and great tact. And remember that life's A Great Balancing Act. And will you succeed? Yes! You will, indeed! (98 and ¾ percent guaranteed) Kid, you'll move mountains."(Dr.Seuss) Dr.Seuss said "Only you can control your future" "You'll be on your way up!You'll be seeing great sights!You'll join the high fliers who soar to high heights."(Dr.Seuss)  I believe I am on my flight path, my weight reduction is like subtraction in math, I am on my way to my mountain, maybe I can stop at the youth fountain. Now I leave you with one last quote, please don't pout Dr Seuss said "Why fit in when you were born to stand out." (Dr.Seuss).
Steph

Day Seventeen - Visitors, Friends and Fakes!

Do we ever know who a true friend is?  How do you know when someone is "playing" at being your friend?  Ann Radcliffe said "I never trust people's assertions; I judge them by their actions." how true that statement might be....for there are many people in my life that speak face to face with me and say they are my friend, speak encouragement, give well wishes, etc but the moment I am out of the line of sight or not within ear shot anymore the story changes.  I have had several visitors of the last sixteen days, some that I would not have expected and some that completely surprised me!  There are some "friends" that I am frankly shocked that I haven't seen.  I didn't expect gifts or even cards but a visit from a close friend would have been nice....guess they weren't as close as I thought huh.  Now maybe I trust too much.  I have been known over the years to do that....believe in people and trust them whole heartedly .....but I always end up disappointed.  "You may be deceived if you trust too much, but you will live in torment if you do not trust enough" (Frank Crane)  I embarked on this journey starting only with my husband and family behind me, then a few close friends.  As my blog grew and the supporters grew there was also the non supporters that grew.  In a perfect life or world there wouldn't be non supporters but we don't live in a perfect world and there is not perfect life.  Today I have many supporters and I thank them all.  To those non supporters that continue to read my blog I only have one thing to say......HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!  That's right the joke is on you.  I am already down 55 lbs and will continue to progress and have success....do you know why?   Because I don't have to believe or trust in you....I only have to believe and trust in myself.  I have heard lots of the same ole crap..."Stephanie can't stay with this", "she won't succeed" oh here's a good one "Once fat always fat".  That one is my personal favourite to date.  Many non supporters were so concerned about me changing after surgery.....Yeah I have changed ..... I am 4 sizes smaller and much happier so thanks for your concern! I have also learned that I need not be hurt or disappointed in people because I should never have expected anything better from them in the first place.  The wonderful friends in my life and you know who you are ....thank you and I love you all!  Each one of you holds a special place in my heart.  I am going back to work in 8 days....and I can walk in with my head held high knowing that I am on my road to success and that I am a trusting person but I am also a smart lady and know who the fakes are!  That's right folks I can fake it just as well as you ....I keep smiling and being friendly but I know you are talking about me and that's your right talk about who you want to, say what you need to make yourself feel better just know that I know what you are saying!  A comic named Randy K Milholland said " There are people I know that won't hurt me, I call them corpses."  It was pretty funny but now that I have thought about it ....it is very sad.  Does this mean these distrustful people should just be dead to me?  Stay tuned and I will let you all know what conclusion I come to about this question.
Steph

Day Sixteen - Standing Against The Wind

Standing against the wind was the title of the sermon that my brother preached this morning.  It really made me think about how the struggles that we are faced with are like the wind!  The wind pushes against us, trying to force us to go in a direction we don't want to go in.  The wind rips up things, scatters and makes messes, puts things in disaray.  The wind is like a wall, a wall that we must push back against and break through.  Sometimes the wind is so strong it can move a grown man, sometimes it is so strong it moves buildings, cars,equipment and trees.  How can we stand against the wind?  We run into struggles everyday in life, but especially as overweight people or GBS recipients.  We all run into a wind storm or two here and there.  We need to look at ourselves and stand strong, push against the wind....it's hard, and it pushes us, fight...fight against it.  The wind can blow so hard it feels like it is peeling the skin off our bodies and faces or it takes our breath away, but we carry on and push through and survive.  We are strong people and there is a plan for each and everyone of us in the life we live.  I keep pushing, I am not sure what my plan is or who I might help, but I am determined to succeed in this new life.  My journey may lead me many different places and I might have a variety of different struggles but I am sure that somehow someway I will help someone....even just one person and I have been successful in not just helping myself but helping someone else.  I am only 10 days away from being able to eat some solid foods and that is making me very happy.  Today as I stared at my busy summer calendar I realized that I have several stag n does to attend and a few weddings also.  At first I was disappointed but then I thought how silly of me to be disappointed.  I will be able to eat a small amount and I will just avoid the foods I cannot eat.  I should be excited about going to these venues, a new me, a small package .....they begin in June.  I cannot wait to see how much weight I have lost be then.  I am very excited about the wedding we are going to in September.  Hopefully I am down enough to get a new outfit and looking fabulous.  I know that sounds so self centered or vain but for so many years I have heard "oh, you look so nice" but then there is the comment you hear later "she is pretty too bad she is so fat".  For the first time ever it would be so nice to go to an event that you are complimented for looking nice without the underlying comments.  I am not disappointed anymore I am excited .....fought the wind again and pushed through.  Remember to keep pushing through and fight the wind....we can all do it.
Steph