9 Days - The Whispering In The Walls

Todays blog is dedicated to all the doubting Thomas's, yes you know who you are!  Maybe you think I am deaf or blind or maybe both but I hear and see the looks and whisper's that are going on.  I should really applaude you because your whispers of my failure only serve to make me that much more determined to conquer this mountain.  Now I would like to ask a few questions.  Why don't you have the kahona's to just talk to me?  I totally believe you are entitled to your opinion but if you think  so little of me to think that I am an epic failure at least have the balls to tell me to my face.  Does it make you feel better about your own failures to predict mine?  I hadn't realized that some of my so called friends had gotten new jobs ..... doing psychic readings.  Your new found ablilities are quite interesting but unfortunately don't bank on them! You see people who live in glass houses shouldn't throw stones!  Since it is the weight loss issue we are talking about how many times have you guys started diets or W/W programs?  You know restarting every month doesn't make it any less of a crash and burn it just makes it a new beginning.  How many of you think you could live on shakes that taste like sawdust and chalk without eating anything for 14 days?  Could you do it?  Trust me I would not be putting myself through this hell to fail.  I would not be risking my life having a surgery that is risky because of my size.  Why in Gods name would I spend all this time, money and energy ....like 400 dollars for shakes, using 3 weeks of my holidays, and controlling myself with a will power that I am not even sure where it is coming from.  How many of you whisperers have gym memberships....yeah you know the "I am going to workout" talks.  I do, oh but I go to the gym 5 days a week for at least an hour.  That's right ....I'm not failing there either.  It's really sad when people that are aquaintances start coming to me and telling me about the chatter.  The funny thing is I already knew!  I just have to wonder what gives you the right to make any judgements about me? I have been nothing but open and honest about this entire weight loss and gastric bypass process.  I have said that it is definitely not easy in fact it is down right freaking hard! Vince Lombardi said "winning isn't everything, but wanting to win is."  I am sure that there will be set backs along the way and that the path to success will be curvy and hilly kinda like me, but I keep walking on the path.  I am not focused on winning or succeeding as much as I am focused on wanting to win, wanting to succeed.  You see my real friends the ones that know me well enough to talk to me about anything know that I am a fighter and that no matter how hard it is I will previal. I have kicked butt in way worse situations and have been in far worse spots so to those of you that are betting against me predicting that I will fail don't go to any casinos cause you don't have a good gambling sense.  I am so excited about my progress so far and about my progress to come that I will predict that I will succeed!  My committment is not only to my friends and family but to the most important person....me!  This is for me, my health, my happiness, my not wanting to live without pain daily....so rest assured I definitely have vested interests to succeed.  I got another great quote from my cousin.  The quote was "You are the Michelangelo of your own life.The David that you are sculpting is you."( Joe Vitale )  I learned many many years ago that true friends are few and the people I trust are fewer, but I am trusting only two people with sculpting my new image....me and God!  I think the odds are great!!! So next time you decide to whisper about anyone including me maybe you should take a long look at yourself and your failures before you decide to try to predict the future and project your inadequacies on to others.

Steph

10 Days - The Monster In The Stall!

Let me start by sharing something about me that most people don't know.  I hate public washrooms.  If I could hold it all day I would and in fact I used to.  When I was in high school I went to a private Christian school and it was about 5 miles from my house so we car pooled.  My brother and I were picked up in the morning around 7:30am and we made it home most days around 4 - 4:15pm.  I would go to the washroom before I left for school and I would hit the side door of the house running for the washroom when we got home.  This created some problems later on with UTI's and kidney infections.
Now you must be wondering why the heck I am talking about washrooms.  Well, first I will extend my full apologies to the women I work with..... I am truly very very sorry.  Not only do Optifast shakes taste like pooh!  They make you run like crazy if you know what I mean.  I totally get why you lose weight with them now they empty out your entire system.  Now I understand that bodily functions are something that everyone has but I absolutely am horrified about being in a public washroom to do so.  Today I heard and felt a little growl and rumble in my tummy....well, it is a good thing my desk isn't too far from the ladies facilities because, something like lightening and thunder the one always follows the other.  Making my mad dash for the washroom I of course, got stopped by coworkers that wanted to know how I was doing and when the surgery was....I am totally surprised that I wasn't doing the "potty dance".  I finally make it into the washroom and make a bee line for the very far end stall.  I shut the door and got myself situated in a rather quick fashion.  Then the most embarrassing moment!  There was an explosion....you know the terrible sounds....long, low gurgling....Now I am just horrified but can do nothing to make it stop.  The noises and embarrassment continued for what seemed to be ages....I think like 4 or 5 minutes.  I could hear others saying "oh my" and "what the heck".  I felt like yelling out and saying I am drinking these terrible shakes and it's not my fault but that would be my second issue with public washrooms.  People talking while they are doing their thing.  Do you know how difficult it is to relieve yourself when some woman is having a conversation beside you with someone else or trying to talk to you.  So the only thing I could do is sit there ....oh, and I pulled my feet up so know one could see who it was!  Once the washroom had cleared out (and it did remarkably quickly might I add) I poked my head out of the stall looked around ran to the sinks washed my hands and grabbled a towel at record speeds.  I looked both ways before exiting the washroom so I knew no one was looking.  I was so embarrassed and upset I sat back at my desk and wanted to cry.  Thanking God that the terrible experience was over I started back to work but much to my chagrin within the hour the rumbling started again!!! OH NO FRIGGING WAY was all I could think.  Did a quick check to make sure my desk mates were busy working and did yet another marathon run to the ladies room.  Bolting for the very last stall again I was making sounds that no one every should make especially from the low regions of your anatomy.   I could feel the heat of embarrassment rising in my cheeks again.  I quickly held my feet up making sure no one could connect me that the terrible noises.  Have you ever heard a balloon deflate or a car back fire?  It's a bad bad mental picture huh!  I was right back to my absolute desperate feeling of not exiting the building without humiliation.  Again I heard a few comments and a couple little snickers.  Once again I was like a expert sleuth making it out of the washroom and back to my desk.  Thinking that this embarrassment had ended finally I settled into my work load.  Boy was I wrong.....I made several emergency runs to the washroom today.  I was beginning to feel like a tap that turned on and off.  Now I am sure that there will be people talking in the office for the rest of the week about the terrible sounds that were coming out of the last stall, but I will won't tell if you don't.....we will just say there was a monster in the stall!
Steph

11 Days - I will SURVIVE!!!!!

The calm before the storm.  The air is still but you can smell the storm coming.  The rain starts as a driving force, it comes down so hard that it hurts your face when it hits.  Waves crash, white caps foam.  The storm is roaring like a lion....a lion in the jungle, the heat is torturous, there is lightening in the distance and the crack of the thunder echos through the leaves, even the animals are restless but they prepare....prepare like when you ride a rollercoaster!  You buckle in, you plant your feet firmly, you test the bar and you hold on for dear life.   Well, I am on the ship,in the jungle and holding on to the damn bar for dear life.  Drinking these Optifast shakes are definitely a storm in my peaceful existance.  From the day we are born we immediately begin the struggle to survive.  Some people struggle more than others with survival.  I myself have had some really bad situations happen but I always seem to survive, maybe it is not just survival mode maybe it is just stubborness!  Maybe it is my faith and the promise of tomorrow.  The defintion of survival by www.merriam-webster.com is a : the act or fact of living or continuing longer than another person or thing b : the continuation of life or existence <problems of survival in arctic conditions.  So as the song goes "first I was afraid, then I was petrified" "it took all the strength I had not to fall apart" but "I will survive as long as I know how to love I know I will stay alive I've got all my life to live I've got all my love to give and I will survive. I WILL SURVIVE" Gloria Gaynor knew what she was saying in 1979 when this anthem song hit the charts.  Storms in our life can help us grow so much.  They might be scary and dark but when you get through them the light comes and there is generally a rainbow.  The same storm that was so very difficult could be the very thing that builds strength and courage and really developes who we are.  Each day I walk through this journey I learn something new.  I embrace what the day has brought and when I close my eyes at night I dream of what tomorrow brings.  I have a goal, a dream and no matter how hard this storm is I am determined to survive.  Walt Disney said "all our dreams can come true, if we have the courage to pursue them.'  Courage comes from deep inside and pushes it's way through when sometime we don't think there is any strength or courage left but it surprises us at the most perfect of times.  I am relying on my strength and courage to push through and carry me through the next 11 days or pre-op and for the months post-op.  Anyone who knows me well will agree with me when I say I am a fighter. Sheer stubborness and determination sometimes drive me with a quick temper to boot.  I have spent much time working on the temper portion but the stubborness and determination seem to work for me.  One of the biggest flaws I have is believing in myself but I work on it and courage helps me through.  My survival through this journey through this storm is a learning curve that has progress only by strength and courage.  My cousing sends me great quotes daily and I really love them and appreciate that she sends them.  This is a quote she sent me a few days ago but I just thought it fit so well.  Life is not about waiting for the storms to pass...
It's about learning how to dance in the rain. - Vivian Greene. The question I leave you with is Do you know how to dance in the rain?
Steph

12 Days - Food is NOT my master!!!

I know that I have spoken about my good friend "A" before.  Now I love "A" and I think I proved that last night!  Dear "A" invited me to a "ladies night out party" with a bunch of her coworkers that she really wanted me to meet.  I of course said yes because I know that it was important to "A".  Off I went, I even baked mini green cupcakes and frosted them as everyone had to bring a green food item.  The ladies were a riot.  V ery friendly and welcoming.  I listened to the stories and the joined in the laughter and of course, salivated over the incredible aromas coming from the kitchen.  Now the dishes ranged from lasagna, garlic bread, numerous dips, chips, veggies, cream of broccoli soup,meatballs, a rice dish, fruits, cream cheese appetizers, wraps, chocolate, cake, nuts and the blender drinks!!  I don't think I mentioned them all because those are the ones I saw at a quick glance as I pretty much avoided the kitchen.  Now the wonderful women that were there were quick to hand me a plate and offer me food, which on any other day of my life I would have been thrilled, but yesterday it was so hard to say "NO Thanks".  I spent probably 3 1/2 hours with these crazy zany ladies.  They klinked bottles of fruity drink and beer while I klinked my plastic bottle.  The shakes I had that day were not keeping me full at that very moment and the superb smells were driving me insane.  I watched the ladies eat the chips right down to the crumbs and licking the damn bowl.  I looked at them, I thought about them but I did not touch the chips, or any food at the party.  I drank my two bottles of water and thanked everyone and left.  I had to pick up my daughter at work but I think I was a little thankful because I am not sure how much longer my will power could hold out.  I drove home with a feeling that I had accomplished something...like I had won an epic battle.  Me against food......if I could pull off a night like last night with so much temptation around me ....all of my very favourite entres right in front of me then I think I can make it through the next 12 days of making my family meals, sitting in the lunchroom at work and passing by several favourite restaurants.  My intention was to go to this party to hang with my dear friend and meet her coworkers but I should really thank her for the opportunity to prove to myself that I could use great self control and will power.  I won....food is not my master.  This is the beginning to my change of thinking about food.  Thanks "A" for the great challenge!
Steph
P.s. I had a blast and loved your friends

13 Days - The Hair Do that Did!

Getting your hair done is pretty important to most ladies....sorry guys this might be more of a ladies blog today.  Now as you know I have been a little nervous since my pre op appointment a few days ago.  I have been mulling everything over in my brain.  I am a thinker, if there is a problem or something that upsets me I think about it and think about it and think a little more.  My husband says I over think things but I don't agree, I am not sure that something can be over thought.  In thinking about whatever the issue may be I usually come to a few conclusions: yes, I was right and need to continue, no,I was wrong and need to withdraw from proceeding or I need more information to make a decision about the previous two conclusions.  I have thought alot about what I learned at the pre op appointment and decided that yes I was right and was continuing with the surgery but I needed some more information about the PICC line and the intubation.  First me and DR.Google became great friends.  Then I spoke with some friends that are healt care professionals.  Upon learning more information about both procedures I am confident I will handle both with style.  Now that is not saying that I won't be a little nervous because that is just a general given most people have anxiety or nervousness when it comes to things they don't know, which is why I always opt to find out more.  The more knowledge I have the better I feel.  Which is why I think so much about events, situations or problems.  To me there always has to be an answer, good, bad or undecided.One of the things I do when I am really upset or just not feeling well is get my hair done.  I know it sounds funny but somehow getting my hair done always seems to make me feel much better.
So last night I booked a hair appointment for this morning at 9am.  I had originally just wanted to have blonde highlights put in to lighten my hair and cover some of my grey, but once there in the chair I decided that I also wanted my hair cut and cut is what I had done.  I had quite a few inches removed to a short Halle Berry kind of bob.  I love it!  I feel fresh and revitalized.  Funny what a hair do can do.  I am sure that there are other women that would say that a great hair do can make a big difference to how you feel.  I know for a fact that if I feel a little sad or down about me having my hair look great just makes things so much better.  I think it starts with the initial washing process.  It feels so fantastic when someone else is washing your hair....it's like a scalp massage.  It is so relaxing I could almost fall asleep while the hair dresser is washing my hair.  The cuting and shaping and seeing a style emerge is like a new beginning a fresh start of sorts and then when you look in the mirror and see the finished product and they touch it up here and there then put some spray to keep it that way for awhile.  It is a feeling of success or accomplishment.  A euphoria of feelings can come from accomplishment and I think that is why I always feel so good after getting my hair done.  So naturally after this week it seemed impairitive for me to get my hair done, but not only to bring some clarity to this weeks events but to bring the sense of success and accomplishment that after the surgery I can look in the mirror and say I did it and feel good about me and what I have done.  It might be a weird theory to some but others may understand it.  It really doesn't matter if you do or don't, what matters is I am on the road to success and it started with the the hair do that did!
Steph

14 Days - Shaken not stirred

 Drinking of optifast shakes have begun!  The lovely receptionist at the bariatric clinic suggested I buy the chocolate flavoured shakes as she said that the overall feedback has been the chocolate is better than the vanilla.  So I purchased 3 boxes of chocolate and one box of vanilla.  I left for work with my two packages of shake powder in hand.  The directions state mix the powder with 300mls of cold water and drink within 15 minutes.  I proceeded with the directions and began to drink my shake.  Now is where shaken not stirred would come into play.  The powder doesn't dissolve too well in the water and it leaves lots of chunks.  I will need to figure out how to make the shakes at work so they are smoother.  Now on any given day I am not a fan of chocolate, milk shakes, or anything that has a texture of a pudding.  This of course is now turning into a bad day for me.  The flavour of the chocolate shake is not fabulous but I could handle it.  It's the darn texture...I tried the slow sipping way....nope not good.  I tried the gulp it quick method that didn't work so well for me either. You are supposed to drink it within the first 15 minutes of preparing it but I just couldn't get it down that quick, trust me I tried.  The longer you leave the shake the thicker it becomes much to my chagrin.  My poor coworkers had to put up with my watering eyes and very quiet gags, but I have to say they were all great encouragers.  It was like having your own cheerleading squad.  I finally got the shake finished and was extremely full!  I drank that shake at 5:50am and at 11:30am when I went to the lunchroom I was still full but had to drink my second one.  This time I tried the distraction method,  I finished the shake in about 20 minutes and only gagged a few times.  Distraction works pretty good, just kept talking with people and drinking and it was gone before I could think about it too much.  Now it's supper time and the smell of  lasagna and garlic bread are filling my house and nostrils.  Shake number three is for dinner.  This time I put it in the blender with a few ice cubes.  It is definitely smoother and very cold.  Two much better qualities than room temperature and chunky.  I am at the 10 minute mark and have just over half left to drink.  I keep telling myself that I can do this and that there is only 13 more days of shakes then the surgery.  Let's just say I am thanking the good Lord that it is only 14 days of shakes.  So it is 3 down and 53 shakes to go.  Now I have read my paperwork from the clinic again and with the shakes I can have water, broth, black tea and black coffee. Now I am not sure when I will have these because I am stuffed after I drink the shakes.  Tomorrow I will try a vanilla shake and see how they are.  The paperwork from the clinic says I can mix half a crystal light with the vanilla shake so maybe if I mix a berry crystal light it will taste like a smoothie.  I am really counting on that!  In the meantime I will continue to sound like the little engine that could! I think I can, I think I can, I think I can! The reality is that I have no choice so someway, somehow I have to make it work.  It's about looking at the big picture right now just to get me through the next 13 days.  Charles R. Swindoll said "life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react."  So I will make this trying experience work for me!  At the 20 minute mark and I have about 1/4 of the glass left to go.  I am going to close my eyes and imagine that I am drinking a fabulous Cosmopolitan that is "shaken not stirred"!!!
Steph
P.s.  Just finished at around the 25 minute mark!  Yahoo!

15 Days - If Tomorrow Never Comes

 I guess if anyone knows country music you will know that I borrowed todays title from Mr. Garth Brooks.  I don't like to dwell on the negative nor keep beating a dead horse, but I will say that I have been giving things a lot of thought today since I had plenty of time to sit and think while Geoff was in surgery.  After yesterdays panic stricken appointment ended I was left in a frenzy of emotion.  I had a few conversations with some really good friends, cuddled with my husband and pulled myself together.  My one close friend pointed out that I have made it through far worse situations and have handled them with style.  My other dear friend brought to my attenion that it is only once.....once it is finished I don't have to do it again.  That coupled with the fact that doctors always point out the worse scenarios and listening to others tell horror stories is like the first time you have a baby and someone tells you how horrible labour and delivery can be.  Each and every one person has their own limit for pain toleration and what one person thinks was horrific the other may not even feel was any issue at all.  So now that I seem to have a calmer grip on reality I began to think about the words from the ever famous Garth Brooks song "If Tomorrow Never Comes, will she know how much I love her"  Let's just put aside the fact of surgery and the added risk to having existance cease.  Let's just look at every day life....life is too short to live with bitterness, harbouring harsh feelings or just hating someone.  Is there someone in your life or out of your life that comes to mind when you think of hurt feelings, harsh words or broken relationships.  Does your close family and friends know how much you love them?  Have you told your spouse, child, boyfriend, girlfriend, best friend that you love them today or just how much they mean to you.  What if tomorrow never came for you, would they know that you loved them? I realize that this is pretty deep, but I am very serious.  Is there relationships or friendships that have been wounded that maybe should start to be healed.  I have thought about the people in my life that mean the most to me and I have made it my goal to let each and everyone of them know just what they mean to me.  Love is a powerful emotion and it can heal many many wounds so I have also set out to seek out certain people that are now out of my life and let them know that I have forgiven whatever it was that caused the rift and hope they can do the same.  I guess it is about freedom or liberation of sorts.  I am liberating myself to move on knowing that if my tomorrow never comes the important people around me will know that I love them.  I challenge everyone to liberate themselves as life is just too short to live without freedom of the spirit.
Steph